I know that right now your primary concerns are hanging out on the phone with your girlfriends and reading. Spend less time on the phone and more on the books or with a pen in your hand. Those girls that you spend ten hours a day gabbing with? You won't even know how to get in touch with them in five years and in ten years? You won't remember half of their names. Spend more time getting to know your sister because she will still be around in fifteen years and you will hardly know her.
And when you aren't reading? Go for walks outside because one, you live in fucking Hawaii and two,, that isn't "baby fat" that you are just going to "grow out of" like your mom keeps telling you. If you start working on it now, you may not have to struggle with it for the rest of your life.
Next year, your whole world will change. When you are older you will look back and be so very grateful that you were pulled away from a place that held no opportunities for you but the next few years will just be this whirlwind of change and chaos.
Hold on to yourself.
You will work hard, try and work harder. Spend less time thinking about partying and more time thinking about school. You won't finish, but the skills you will learn will save your ass later when you are looking for a real job. Of all the boys you will want to play with, only a select few will actually mean anything a month, weeks or even hours later. Why bother? You're going to be very single for a very long time and have plenty of time to play with boys who have much more going on for them than just good looks or a car. And as much as you will want to, don't waste your first kiss on that guy. He doesn't care about you and you will kick yourself later for wasting a memorable occasion on an asshole just because he had his own brand new truck and wanted to get into your pants.
Before you know it you will meet a guy who, against your better judgment, you will fall for. I wish I could tell you how to fix him because you will spend the next five years trying to. And the rest of your life wishing you'd been able to save him. But, you'll spend so much time trying to fix him that it will be years before you realize that you really need to focus on yourself and that he is the only one who can help himself.
I wouldn't want to be you for those five years.
All I can tell you is to hang in there because it gets better. And living through all of that will make you so much stronger. I know you will journal and dabble a little in fiction, write more. Write every second, every feeling, every thought or idea, write it all. One day you'll want to describe those feelings again and you'll be smart enough not to relive them so your writing will be the best way to go back.
You'll find yourself conflicted about what is best for your kids. You'll doubt your ability to take care of them yourself, you won't even know where to start. It doesn't matter how much you hem and haw about it, there is only one way to start: start. I can't tell you how much time and heartache you'll save yourself by leaving and beginning a life for just you and your girls. I can't even imagine the strides you could make if you just believed in yourself and got out before he left you no choice but to get out. You won't see him again after that last time. You'll barely even speak to him but there isn't anything you can do, he's chosen his path and you have to let him go. You have to depend on you. And girl, you so can. You'll love it once you do.
You'll meet another guy and you'll love what he wants to be. You'll love the idea of normal after all the crazy you've lived through. And he won't be, not even close. He'll put you through stuff girl but you'll know better this time, you'll get out just in the nick of time. And you'll end up with a fantastic parting gift.
You'll meet an amazing girl at the end of your relationship with this boy, tell her you love her every chance you get because one day you won't be able to anymore.
Now here is the point where you stop wasting your time on bull shit jobs. You are able to get an awesome job, you just have to put your feet to the pavement and believe in yourself. Believing in yourself is really the key element here.
That's really the only nugget of wisdom I can throw at you. Believe in yourself. All of the stuff you want to accomplish? You can. And you can do it without sacrificing who you are and who you want to be.
Oh and don't forget...
Call your grandmother because she never thought any less of you when you became a mom. Write down birthdays because you will never be able to remember them. Avoid that tattoo. Don't be ashamed of yourself, it will keep you away from people who love you for too long. Don't feel like you have to keep apologizing for the same mistakes over and over. Talk to your sisters whenever you can and call your friends and ask how they are, sometimes you'll forget it isn't all about you. Sit up straight and take your vitamins. Don't expect easy, easy isn't worth it. Listen to your girls. Tell them you love them and hug them, every day.
~KHE (fifteen years later)
Labels: Being a Chic, Being Mommy, meme
