You can second guess yourself in private or with your friends and maybe even your family, but to the rest of the world? You're the best mother in the world and they can just kiss your ass. Why? Because you know two fundamental things:
1. No one in the whole world, the entire Universe, knows that kid the way you do. You know everything about them. What they think is funny, what words they don't pronounce right, what size shoes they wear, what they were scared of when they were three, where they lost their first tooth, how they like their eggs, what their belly laugh sounds like. That's your kid.
2. No one in the whole world, the entire Universe, loves that kids as much as you do. Period.
But right now, I don't feel like I've earned it yet. It's just as scary as it was when I was having any of my girls. Of course, it's scary for different reasons. I'm scared because this person, they don't know me. They haven't known me since before they knew themselves. I don't know how they like their eggs yet.
I look at the fact that I must be growing up more. I bought a house right? But I'm still unsure when I punish Trin if my method is the best one for helping her grow up with Asperger's. Or I look at the fact that I bought freaking spring form pans at the store today because I need them and surely only grownups or bakers need spring form pans but then Amanda rolls her eyes at me tonight because I basically tell her she's being a bitch to Emilee and I wonder how much I know about taking care of an almost thirteen year old.
Every time I think I know what I'm doing, The Universe slaps me in the face with a nice little reminder that really, I'm still learning.
So, do you ever really know? Do you ever make a choice about yourself or your kids or even kids that aren't biologically yours without second guessing it? And does the second guessing become even more frequent when it's a whole new person? One I haven't known forever?
Labels: adoption, Amanda, Being Mommy, Emilee, Triniti
