Tuesday, March 03, 2009
What changed my mind?
A couple of you have emailed and asked me what pushed me over the edge.
First of all there is my past experience with Mr. I and while it is vastly different, it has it's similarities that cannot be overlooked.
Then there was something that Fairy said to me last night, she said that she likes to have friends who are like her, who have similar morals and values and that she couldn't be just friends with him because she couldn't respect his choices. I have friends like The Bachelor whom I love with all my heart and who chooses to live his life in a way that I don't but you know what? He's flipping honest about it. He lives his life OUT LOUD. He doesn't have to go home and keep it all to himself. He chooses to be the person he is every day and isn't afraid to share that person in it's entirety with the world. I'd like to think that I live that way and that I choose to have friends who also live that way.
We might not always make great choices but goddamnit, we admit it.
And we try to learn from it.
We might sometimes repeat the mistake, but again WE ADMIT IT.
I'm not ashamed of who I am.
And I don't want to be.

He called me yesterday and we spoke for about thirty minutes discussing the three options I mentioned in my last post. He very convincingly told me that he didn't want anything to do with number two. And that if I were even thinking for one second that was possible, to let him know and he was out. And that if I needed him to be a dickhead or whatever consider it accomplished because he didn't want to contribute to my living like that. Which then led us into number three where I voiced my concerns about him having a family. This is where it gets stickier. According to him, he and his wife have, and I quote "a don't ask, don't tell" kind of relationship and that as long as he "doesn't bring anything home" and his social life, as it were, doesn't "interfere with his wife's professional or social circles" and visa versa, then all is well in their "happily married" world.
Like, I heard it, I repeated it to no less than three people, I thought about it, I just now typed it out and REREAD IT and I still CAN'T COMPREHEND IT.
That is happily married?
You're okay with that kind of relationship?
Yes. Yes he is.
Well cool, less for me.

He asked me if I had any idea how long I was going to need to think about this and I told him, truthfully that I had only had about twenty four hours since he told me he was married and I was going to need some more time seeing as how I have never been in this situation before.
But then, last night, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had just had a CONVERSATION ABOUT AN AFFAIR. One in which he had relinquished any and all responsibility for my emotional well-being by saying if I were going to want for more that he didn't want anything to do with it. Because yeah, maybe we had both said there wouldn't be anything physical but that was kind of how this whole thing started. You can't tell me you are the freaking poster child for fidelity and you kiss random chics in random towns on random nights away from your "don't ask, don't tell" wife and then you "just want to be friends." And pal, if you do just want to be friends? You should have started it that way.
[*an aside - OMG, The Trews just started singing A Man of Two Minds on my stereo. Fucking brilliant.]
You know, I wasn't entirely forthcoming myself but I am available for relationships. I am unattached.
So here is the eventual outcome options:
1. Wasting my fucking time.
2. An affair.
3. Torture.
Not good choices.
So, I made my choice last night. And as soon as it clicked into my head, I wanted to text him and be done with it. But I didn't because I wanted to make sure I was sure. And this morning, I was. And I am.
I don't want to be that girl.
And you know what? I may be single for a very long time to come but I will take that over the torture or the hiding in the shadows, over being ashamed of myself.

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so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 9:54 AM
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