Friday, May 08, 2009
I'm tore...
There is this bank teller... His name is Jonathan. I'm not changing his name because as a child I always freakin' had crushes on guys named Jonathan. Like every. single. boy. I ever liked was named Jonathan. It was a little weird.
Anyway, just about every morning I take our deposit to Wells Fargo and he is one of the bank tellers there.
And he's kinda cute.
But how does one ever begin to strike up a conversation with a drive through bank teller dude?
Good morning, I think you're cute. Want to buy me dinner and we can talk about all of my kids and the small zoo I have at home? I'm a great kisser! And I haven't had sex in almost a year. Come on, it'll be fun.
And does one even really want to?
SnowElf told me recently that people who don't get married within four years of getting divorced never do. And I am pretty sure you can't call anything post NY a real relationship for me... and that would mean I have been single since August of 2003. And it really should be April of 2002 since that was really when it was all over for us, anything after that was a pathetic attempt at saving something dead where neither of us actually put forth any real effort. Either way that, folks, is a hell of a lot longer than four years.
And here's the really crazy part - I'm not even really that bummed out about it.
In fact, I've more or less accepted.. embraced even the fact that I will more than likely remain single until the girls have all moved out and on. That doesn't even sound so bad to me. It used to. Dude, when my kids were little with all of this time ahead of us, I cringed at the idea of being alone forever. Because back then, it felt like a million years would pass before my kids could even put their hair in a pony tail or pour milk. The thing is though, it hasn't been forever-like. It's been ridiculously fast. My kids went from infancy to preteen in the blink of an eye. And on account of how fast it is all passing by, I tend to think I should just focus on the girls until this whirlwind of activity called their childhoods passes and it's just me again.
But I think it will be much like it is when you come out of a serious relationship... I'll have to figure out who I am again without children, just like I had to figure out who I was when I wasn't a couple any more.
Is the psychology of it all just a stalling tactic for us single chics who kinda like being single? I wonder how many of us would have ever had kids or marriages if we had taken that time initially to figure out who we were... to learn to take charge of our lives... Or did having kids and marriages and failed relationships push us into finding the strong inner-us?
I don't know.
The thing is, I like the romantic idea I have of what a relationship could be and I find that anything less, anything more realistic just doesn't interest me. Is that because I am happy enough with who I am that I find I can wait for that fairytale relationship? Or does that mean that I am unrealistic?
Because every morning when I smile at that drive through teller named Jonathan, a little part of me secretly hopes he is going to ask me out and that I have a shot at the fairytale... even enough so that I consider giving him my number and making the first move. But then the realistic part of me kicks in and I think do I even really want all the stuff that goes with a relationship? And while that thought doesn't keep me from thinking I would say yes if he did ask me out, it certainly keeps me from giving him my number.


so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 10:53 AM
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