You change.
I change.
Things change.

I am on a journey. It's strange, I keep searching externally for what I am finding is completely internal already. And with that, there is peace.
I am focusing on controlling my mind and even just with the smallest changes, there is such a difference in my life.
Surrender.
I feel myself fighting the moment in I am in sometimes and I mentally step back and just smile at the ridiculousness of that very idea. Fighting the moment I am in. Fighting myself. Fighting my life. I am no longer interested in fighting my life. So I smile and I surrender and I am at such peace.
I had no idea that the tools I spent so long looking for were here all along.
I feel like I am on the cusp of becoming another person.
I feel like a caterpillar.

Labels: my life

I'm not listing excuses this time. Ya'll already know all the reasons I sometimes vanish from here.
Some bullets...

**I am working on some interesting bread recipes. Mostly stuffed with cool things like pesto or cinnamon, sugar and raisins. I am trying to do a double recipe of the french bread dough I like the most right now and experiment with it. Recipes will be here as soon as I get them just the way I like and take some photos. Stay tuned.

**In that vein, I started watching How To Cook Your Life last night amidst groans and "Maaa-oooom, this is SOOOO boring" from the girls. Now I want The Tasajara Bread Book... really any of these books. I only got to watch about twenty minutes because it was bedtime but the atmosphere was so interesting.

**I am listening to Eckhart Tolle's The Journey Into Yourself on my ipod right now. I read A New Earth last year and learned a lot but didn't really internalize as much of it as I thought I had and in listening to Journey, I am being reminded of a lot of things I had let fall by the wayside.

**Please do not be surprised if fifteen years from now I am living with Buddhist monks in India.

**I still have a whopping secret I am keeping from most of you that I can't wait to write about. Soon my pretties, soon.

**Halloween party is this weekend. If you are local, I better see your ass there :-) The girls and I are going as a coven of witches. I am so totally taking a family photo of us in our costumes. I may just use it as our Christmas card.

**I have another book idea. Ok, admitedly, I have a really great beginning and end to a book. The middle hasn't come to me yet. It's really from a dream I had a long time ago.

**I woke up with Candlebox's Cover Me in my head three times last night.

**My sister is having a little boy in February. It is so strange to see her pregnant. There is something about seeing your siblings have children that makes them become grownups in your eyes. I went by her new house yesterday, they will be moving in in the next few weeks. If trying not to control you sister's life is this hard, I can't even imagine how hard it will be with my own chidren.

**The weather is beautiful. Highs in the eighties and lows in the sixties. We've had about a month of it and I am just in heaven.

**Amanda wants a bass guitar for her birthday.

Labels: my life

How are things? It's Friday.
Oh baby, when did Friday start to look so sexy? I remember when Friday was just kinda hot.... or back in school when Friday was just a cute dude I checked out from across the classroom but was kind of indifferent to. No, my friends, Friday has blossomed into a hunky, ripped, stud-muffin with a good job and spontaneous tendencies to be romantic. I luff him.
I'm entering a calm. A place in my life where things are slowed down and calm. It's like when the wave comes in on a beach and water runs all over your feet for a few seconds before heading back out to sea. I can already see the calm receding. But I chose to walk on the sand and not follow the water back into the tide. I've chosen to turn completely away from the sea and walk into the dunes for a bit.
I should be scared shitless right?
Well maybe it is the fact that it hasn't happened yet and so I still have time to follow the sea or maybe it's just because I am so damn confident that I believe it's something I can accomplish. I feel confident. Things feel attainable. I feel like this ride has slowed down enough that I can look out and enjoy the views and enjoy the thrill of the ride for a little while and I can see the giant dip ahead... the one that is going to make feel like throwing my head back and screaming in utter terror. And today, I feel like the ride will catch and smooth out and I will be able to sit up and smile and say, "fuck, that was scary but a little fun and now that we've crossed through the dunes to this new ocean, I want to stay in the water for awhile."

Labels: my life