The last few days have been very hard. I thought, initially, that I was going to start feeling better as the days passed and I find that I am feeling worse. I called about some counseling and all I am finding are churches. I highly doubt that sitting around with people who all agree God has a plan is going to help me.
On the flip side, I am trying to stay busy. Procrastinating my pain? Maybe, but it's mine to procrastinate damn it. I went and saw her parents Tuesday night. I wasn't even all the way into the living room when her mother hugged me like I have never been hugged before. It was a very painful visit but one I am glad I made. They cleared up some questions I had and I think I did the same for them. She did not die on Thursday, it was Wednesday night. She died two hours after I hung up the phone with her. I was the last person she talked to.
Her parents asked me to pick out the music for her service. Since she died, I haven't been able to listen to music. I can't listen to the radio in the car or at home or at work. I couldn't tell you why, but I haven't been able to. Maybe because music is something I associate with happiness and I am not happy now. They asked me for music that she liked that was appropriate. Now here's a girl who listens to Korn and Disturbed and Godsmack. She listened to some lighter stuff to and fortunately it was mostly music I turned her on to so I knew what to choose.
The list, dear readers:
1. Staind - Epiphany
2. Guns and Roses - Don't Cry
3. Godsmack - Serenity
4. Switchfoot - You
5. Matchbox Twenty - The Difference
6. Cindy Lauper - Time After Time
7. Sarah McLaughlin - I Will Remember You
8. Tom Petty - Learning to Fly
9. Finger 11 - One Thing
I plan on going with her parents to get her things in Dallas. This is partially at their request and partially because I really think it will help me. I don't feel like I am close to her now. I don't feel like I am near her. I think being near her things might make me feel closer to her.
Her Memorial Service is tonight. Her obituary is in the paper. It's so wrong. She should be here. She should be able to call me and tell me that she is coming down in a few weeks. I want to go back to a few weeks ago when we were laying on my bed reading Why Men Can't Love and laughing at the ridiculousness of the advice. Or when we were sitting in my bathroom and she was dying my hair and telling me how great it was going to look. I want to hug her goodbye like I do everytime she leaves and tell her I love her. I want to see her playing with my daughters and laughing.
I know she wouldn't want me to dwell and to be unhappy and if she's out there somewhere then I apologize but I can't help it. I don't want it to just be me, it's supposed to be me and her.
I keep talking to people who knew her and they act as though they know me. I've never spoken to or met any of these people and they know me. They know me because she talked to them about me, because she shared me with them. I realize more and more everyday how much she cared about me and I was so lucky to have such a great friend. I would do anything to get her back.
~Kate
Who: katehopeeden
Where: San Antonio, Texas Yeah, so I am all that you see here. I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty... sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends. I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am. Want to know more?
Click here!
12/14/84 - 1/26/05
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"The most wasted day is one in which we have not laughed"
"Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while you might miss it."
"Guys are like stars, there's a million of them out there but only one of them can make your dreams come true."
"Reach for the moon, even if you miss you will still land among the stars"
Veronique
Yoda
Hot Toddy
Finding Liz
The Adorable DB
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They'll All Fall
we grabbed the lion
Red Hot Sexy Papa
Snow
dooce
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Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
Click that link up there
and email me your blog!
Yoda
Hot Toddy
Finding Liz
The Adorable DB
Tux Baby
Malcolm (he'll be back)
They'll All Fall
we grabbed the lion
Red Hot Sexy Papa
Snow
dooce
Madi (my stalker)
Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
Click that link up there
and email me your blog!
Veronique Celis
We lost a great person yesterday.
And then I spewed water everywhere...
Yet another victim in my search for a car...
A post a day keeps the drug tests away...
Several different shades of idiot...
Cute boy at the gym...
Just another manic Monday...
My ex is a putz...
He calls...
We lost a great person yesterday.
And then I spewed water everywhere...
Yet another victim in my search for a car...
A post a day keeps the drug tests away...
Several different shades of idiot...
Cute boy at the gym...
Just another manic Monday...
My ex is a putz...
He calls...
Childhood Memories
My Mother
The Story of AZ
The Time In Between
The Beginning Of NY
The man from my dreams
The End Of NY
Growing and Changing
Learning to Cope
These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.
"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef
My Mother
The Story of AZ
The Time In Between
The Beginning Of NY
The man from my dreams
The End Of NY
Growing and Changing
Learning to Cope
These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.
"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef
www.flickr.com
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The one and only Matchbox Twenty
Teddy Geiger
Rob Thomas
James Blunt
The Trews
Jack Johnson
Mark Broussard
Gavin DeGraw
Bowling For Soup
Switchfoot
Tabitha's Secret
Our Lady Peace
Citizen Cope
Teddy Geiger
Rob Thomas
James Blunt
The Trews
Jack Johnson
Mark Broussard
Gavin DeGraw
Bowling For Soup
Switchfoot
Tabitha's Secret
Our Lady Peace
Citizen Cope
That cracked my shit up! TM
Kate went to Dallas?
You asked Kate questions?
Kate was stung by a Scorpion?
Kate met Mr. I?
Kate got pissed?
There was a mouse?
Kate shared?
Kate confessed?
Kate turned 25?
Kate shared some more?
"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal
Kate went to Dallas?
You asked Kate questions?
Kate was stung by a Scorpion?
Kate met Mr. I?
Kate got pissed?
There was a mouse?
Kate shared?
Kate confessed?
Kate turned 25?
Kate shared some more?
"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal
