The last week or so, I have been trying to fend off this gray cloud that has been trying to rain on me. After Triniti was born, I went to a see a doctor. I realized that my emotions were rocky and that I was frequently feeling the urge to burst into tears or scream at the top of my lungs. I felt like I had no control over my life. I was stuck at home surviving off of my savings for three to five more months while I breast fed Trin and got the girls into school, my sister was living with me and we were trying to adjust, my mother and her husband were at the beginning of the end of their relationship and both were leaning on me more heavily than I could support and Trin's dad was basically making me feel like shit for ever having had the nerve to have his child.
Yup, bad place. I knew I needed some help if I was going to keep from crumbling. I went to a doctor and he put me on Zoloft. I remember sitting in my bathroom that night looking at this bottle of pills and thinking that there was no way that this is where I was. I needed a pill to get me through the day? It didn't seem possible. Nonetheless, thus began my three month stint on anti-depressants. With in the week, I was starting to feel better and I had no side effects. It was like taking a multi-vitamin every day.
When my three month supply was near it's end, I decided that I had the pick-me-up that I needed and that I was going to stop taking the pills. And I did. The first two weeks off the pills, I had horrible nightmares. My doctor said that I should have never stopped them cold turkey, but I didn't care. By the end of the third week, my nightmares were gone and I was back to normal.
Since then, there have been several times when I have felt that little cloud of sadness getting too close. Usually, there was only one thing, maybe two that were causing it and I had no problems getting everything back on track. The only time I couldn't shoo it away was when I lost Veronique. I knew that I had to wait it out. I sought out counseling but I wasn't getting onto any meds. I have learned this year that the pain I feel from losing her isn't ever going to really go away. I am just going to have good days and bad days and I will just have to deal with each as it comes.
But, this last week or so, it feels like I have been fighting off a lot of things. I am mad at Mr. I. I know, should be done with all of that right? Yeah, I am. I am not sitting around missing a relationship with him because there could never be one. What I did want was an apology. In some form or fashion, I kept waiting for him to let me know that he felt bad for the way things ended. That our friendship had meant something to him and that he was sorry to have lost it.
I am upset because of a situation at work that is keeping me from making the commissions that I was making a few months ago. It is an in depth problem that I won't go into here, but it is keeping me from making two to five hundred dollars a month that I could definitely use.
This whole house thing is driving me fucking insane. I have been in the process of trying to buy this house for over a month and I am going nuts waiting. It seems like every day I fax and sign and fax and sign and call and fax and sign... and with zero result. I feel like each day I get to paint three new paint-by-number boxes but I have no idea what I am painting or how many boxes are left. I don't mind working for something but at least tell me when I will see some fucking results.
I have been a horrid, wretched friend. I missed Tempests birthday and her first anniversary since her and her husband split up. I have gotten into the habit of just turning my phones off when I get home. Even when someone manages to catch me on the phone, I am bad company.
And I am not stewing or sad or angry... I am not really anything. I am just in limbo. I am sitting and waiting for something to happen so I can make my next move. And to quote The Princess Bride "I hate wait."
So, if you happen to be one of the friends I have neglected or one of the people who has emailed me and wondered if your words were lost in cyber space, I am still here. I am just a little bummed out right now.
Who: katehopeeden
Where: San Antonio, Texas Yeah, so I am all that you see here. I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty... sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends. I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am. Want to know more?
Click here!
12/14/84 - 1/26/05
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"The most wasted day is one in which we have not laughed"
"Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while you might miss it."
"Guys are like stars, there's a million of them out there but only one of them can make your dreams come true."
"Reach for the moon, even if you miss you will still land among the stars"
Veronique
Yoda
Hot Toddy
Finding Liz
The Adorable DB
Tux Baby
Malcolm (he'll be back)
They'll All Fall
we grabbed the lion
Red Hot Sexy Papa
Snow
dooce
Madi (my stalker)
Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
Click that link up there
and email me your blog!
Yoda
Hot Toddy
Finding Liz
The Adorable DB
Tux Baby
Malcolm (he'll be back)
They'll All Fall
we grabbed the lion
Red Hot Sexy Papa
Snow
dooce
Madi (my stalker)
Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
Click that link up there
and email me your blog!
avatar = you
bad mood....
Half Nekkid Thursday
She said 'shit'
Let them eat cake!
I'm the kind of girl who...
Trin vs. The Potty
When I wanted a cigarette today....
Take the quiz
*back* again - HNT
bad mood....
Half Nekkid Thursday
She said 'shit'
Let them eat cake!
I'm the kind of girl who...
Trin vs. The Potty
When I wanted a cigarette today....
Take the quiz
*back* again - HNT
Childhood Memories
My Mother
The Story of AZ
The Time In Between
The Beginning Of NY
The man from my dreams
The End Of NY
Growing and Changing
Learning to Cope
These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.
"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef
My Mother
The Story of AZ
The Time In Between
The Beginning Of NY
The man from my dreams
The End Of NY
Growing and Changing
Learning to Cope
These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.
"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef
www.flickr.com
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The one and only Matchbox Twenty
Teddy Geiger
Rob Thomas
James Blunt
The Trews
Jack Johnson
Mark Broussard
Gavin DeGraw
Bowling For Soup
Switchfoot
Tabitha's Secret
Our Lady Peace
Citizen Cope
Teddy Geiger
Rob Thomas
James Blunt
The Trews
Jack Johnson
Mark Broussard
Gavin DeGraw
Bowling For Soup
Switchfoot
Tabitha's Secret
Our Lady Peace
Citizen Cope
That cracked my shit up! TM
Kate went to Dallas?
You asked Kate questions?
Kate was stung by a Scorpion?
Kate met Mr. I?
Kate got pissed?
There was a mouse?
Kate shared?
Kate confessed?
Kate turned 25?
Kate shared some more?
"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal
Kate went to Dallas?
You asked Kate questions?
Kate was stung by a Scorpion?
Kate met Mr. I?
Kate got pissed?
There was a mouse?
Kate shared?
Kate confessed?
Kate turned 25?
Kate shared some more?
"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal
