From the Mail Bag:

From: Chad
Re: Scorpions
Hey Kate, I am wondering if, after your experience with the scorpion,
have you learned anything about scorpion proofing your bed? I am in
northern nevada and have been finding too many "little demons" in my
house for comfort. I understand some are adept at climbing. I think
the ones in this region are, which would allow them to get onto beds
that are elevated. Please impart any knowledge that you have aquired.

Thanks,
Chad

Chad,
Funny that you sent this less than a week after my second scorpion sting. Just last week as I was on the phone with Jiffinner, one of those little fuckers crawled up next to my foot and stung me. He is, of course, dead now. The fact of the matter is that I don't think you can fully be rid of them. I am pretty sure that they have an alliance with the devil himself... or Davey Jones (POTC2)... Regardless, nothing I have EVER used has fully annihilated them. I've had companies come and spray my home and my yard, I've used every pesticide that you can buy legally in this country. I spray my home every three months, but no matter what I do, they still patrol the hallways when I am least expecting it...
So instead of a prevention method, I have some survival tips for you.

1. I have found that the scorpions mostly stay outside during the winter. It's almost like they like it, which only further proves they are evil because The Cold sucks. At any rate, you are safe during the Winter, whatever months those might be for you. Winter in Texas is mid to late December through early to mid January, so that isn't much time here. Pretty much the first day that the temperature exceeds 90 degrees Fahrenheit, you can expect them to come inside to play with you.

2. Wear shoes. Every where. During the winter, I wear socks because it's cold and they are comfy, but during summer, I break out every pair of flip flops I own and strategically place them around the house so that I NEVER have to walk barefoot any where. Also, flip flops work better because you can see every part of them. Sandals just create a nice hiding place for the scorpions to wait for your toes. If you happen to be anti-flip flop, I advise that you shake out and inspect all shoes before putting them on. Flip flops, in all of their coolness are not so good for the squashing of the scorpions and oftentimes only make the scorpion laugh maniacally and then run at thirty miles an hour at your feet, so having some decent sized shoes with spiked tread in every room helps to kill them. And trust me, if you leave the room to look for a shoe to kill it with, it will be gone when you come back. And then, that night, at 3am when you can't sleep because you know there is one in your house, possibly in your hair, you will wish you had kept something to kill it with in your living room.

3. Do not put your bed near the wall. My bed is in a corner in my room but between the bed and the wall is a good ten inches of space so that the scorpions don't climb up the wall and onto my bed. We don't want to make it any easier for them do we? No. And scorpions like to be up high.

4. Do not leave your blankets and or dust covers hanging far enough off of the bed that they touch the floor. Nothing on your bed should touch the floor and create a nice little ladder for the demons to crawl up.

5. Don't make your bed during the summer. I know, I know, your mother has done nothing but tell you to make your bed since you could understand the English language and you know, I am with your mom. A made bed is nice and neat. But it also has a tendency to give you a false sense of safety. You get into your jammies, assuming Chad that you wear jammies, and mosey over to your bed (out side of Texas, change 'mosey' to 'walk'). It's all made up and it looks so very inviting and so you turn the blankets down and slide in. DO NOT DO THIS. Leave your bed a flaming mess in the morning. Do not make it up. That way, when you go to get into it at night you can pull the top sheet and blanket off and shake them off and inspect them, same with the pillows. Yeah, I know, seems like a pain in the ass but I promise you, it takes about as long as making your bed would and it is much more comforting to know that there isn't an evil little fucker sandwiched between your sheets. Also, check around your mattress/box spring area to make sure one isn't just waiting until you are snuggled down for the night to join you.

6. When you get into bed, make sure you put your flip flops or shoes on your bed. Most of us sleep in the dark and if you need to get up at night to pee or wander aimlessly around your house planning how you are going to single handedly take over the world, you will want to know that your shoes are scorpion free. That is much more likely when they are on your bed and not on your floor.

7. Do not leave shit on the floors. Put your dirty laundry in a basket. If you have kids and they have toys, make sure that they put them in a toy box. Don't leave a damn towel on the floor. Anything on the floor is just a place for a scorpion to hide or blend it. I even go as far as to pick my rugs up and store them until winter.

8. (For the record, I don't do any of the stuff in #8. Because I am a chic and yard work sucks.) Scorpions like clutter outside as well, so if you have a wood pile or a burn pile or any kinds of piles near your house, that is where your scorpions are living and breeding. You can easily locate them by waiting until it is dark and looking for the eerie red lights and demonic chanting. It will lesson the chances of scorpions patrolling your pad if you ditch the piles of random shit outside your house and in your garage.

9. Check your ceiling. Scorpions like to get up near the light so before you go to bed, check your ceiling. It makes it awkward to kill them when they are up there but I have found that those gluey sticky mouse trap things work very well.

10. Last thing, scorpions mostly eat insects. I've heard they prefer spiders, which makes sense because only something evil would eat something as gross as a spider. Anyway, try and get rid of any little buggies you may have hanging out in your house. Nothing for them to eat might help them head back out doors, but then again, I've also heard that they can go a long time with out eating so I wouldn't depend too much on that.

For other information about the nasty things, try wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scorpion

buona giornata!
See, you guys thought I quit with the Italian huh? Totally still doing it.