Lots of craziness: pre nanowrimo doodling

Monday, October 23, 2006

pre nanowrimo doodling

"I want to ask you to come back with me," he said into my ear as he hugged me goodbye, "but the reason you would tell me you can't is the same reason you shouldn't."
He didn't pull away but instead held me in his embrace a second longer with his scruffy cheek pressed into my hair, breath on my neck.
It always feels like this when he touches me. Every time his skin was on mine, it feels the same as when he looks me in the eyes and smiles. I want to jump out of my skin and into his. And you shouldn't feel that way about someone you can't be with. You shouldn't want him to grab you and kiss you proving once and for all that you are supposed to be together. His touch shouldn't be so familiar, so right... he should feel foreign and uncomfortable so that it's easy to smile at him when he lets you go after one of his hugs that make your legs wobbly. As it was, I managed a half smile at him and took a careful step backwards hoping that if I could put a few more inches of space between me and our chemistry.
I'm never sure how to answer him. It mostly makes me feel like an idiot when I can't seem to sound like the reasonable, rational adult in his presence and I can't help but wonder if he ever gets all frustrated and flustered when he looks at me. He certainly doesn't seem to even if he can't ignore our chemistry.
And he can't.
No one that touches you as much as he touches me is ignoring that chemistry. Just as he is walking by and he walks a little closer than he has to and rubs his thumb across my forearm in passing.
He has great hands, so rough and strong. I never would have thought that I would fall for someone like him and at the same time when we talk and when he touches me, I think that he is exactly who I was looking for. I wanted someone who could lock me up when he made eye contact with me.
"Well if that is how you feel, you are probably right," I said, glancing at the car where my children slept. He followed my gaze to the car and then looked me in the eyes again, freezing me in place.
"You think it's them? That they are reason I don't think this-- we are a good idea?"
I thought about that for a second before answering. The thing is, that is what I thought. When I had been in his bed months ago hoping that he would just reach over and touch me and stop being such a friend. I could feel the tension in the room then, I could have reached out and touched it. He felt it too. He couldn't lay still that entire night knowing I was right there next to him. But when I had asked him if he felt it, if he wanted it like I did, he had said we couldn't.
He never said he didn't want to.
"Well after... after that night...." I trailed off, not sure how to talk about it. It had been months ago and we had spent a lot of time together since, pretending it never happened. We had never talked about it. He put his hand on my arm and gestured at the car with the other hand.
"Baby, it's not them. It would never be them." He put his other hand on my other arm as though trying to make sure I would look at him when he spoke, so I would believe him.
I was just trying to hear him over the buzzing of my skin where his hands were.
"I love them. They are awesome. I would hate for you to think that."
I stepped back to break the connection with him so I could speak.
"Oh... well, I guess it doesn't really matter why does it? I mean, it is what it is no matter the reasons right? And the thing is, it's really ok. I mean, you can feel the way you feel without feeling bad about it because of me." I took another step back just to get a little more space. "I'm not going to be mad at you for being honest with me."
He didn't say anything. He just looked at me. I was trying to read his expression, see what he was thinking but I never could with him. He was the first man I had ever been around that confused me endlessly.
I started to get uneasy and tried to hold still and return his gaze without it showing.
It wasn't even a second, it happened so fast. One minute he is looking into my eyes, the next minute he is standing right in front of me. Five inches from my face, hand in my hair.
"What if I kissed you right now? What would you think?" he asked.
"I'd think, 'it's about goddamn time'."
He didn't just kiss me then, like I thought he would. He instead, stood there for a few seconds with his hands in my hair and the heat from his body making me aware of how close he managed to be without touching. Then he smiled a little, as though he had some how won some game that I didn't even know we were playing. He closed the five inches of space between our mouths slower than anyone had ever closed it before him. My heart was racing and I closed my eyes as his lips hit mine.

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 5:07 PM
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