What is it about spending time with him that I want? Yeah, ok, the eyes and the ridiculous dimples. But so what? I meet guys all the time who are good looking, I thought I was over that part of my life where looks dictated the way I felt about a person.
How much does his interest in me play a part? I think it has almost double the power because someone like him shouldn't be interested in me. Single mom of three? He was only ten when I had Amanda. He should be interested in hot twenty something's with a gym membership that they actually use and a permanent VIP pass to any hot club you've never heard of.
And I tell myself every day that he is. And that I am just another one of those girls he is trying to conquer before he stops being a young guy and meets the woman who makes him decide to be a man.
Now I feel like very few of us older women are that girl who makes them stop. And I feel like when we are it is because we have a purpose to be. We want to change that guy, we want to be the ones who make them grow.
I don't want another kid. I don't want to mold anyone. I want a finished peice with a few rough edges and maybe a chip or two, but done.
You know what I am scared of? I'm scared that he actually likes me this much and that the longer he likes me this much, the more I want to spend time with him. I like him. We have a good time. He's funny and... I think real. Or he's really good at pretending to be genuine.
See that? That is me not wanting to give him a chance. I think it all the time, that he is just playing me and once I sleep with him, he'll be done. And I've been too careful with my heart this time... waiting and waiting and waiting until I started to feel right about him. And now I am starting to feel that and I keep pushing it away.
Am I pushing it away because I know deep down it's wrong or am I pushing him away because I am scared of falling for him and it is just easier to not take him seriously.
He keeps asking me why I won't take him seriously.
I don't know.
But I think we are going to find out this weekend.

Labels: My pathetic excuse for a love life