Lots of craziness: bottom of the barrel

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

bottom of the barrel

"So have you heard from him yet, Kate?" She asked me.
I smiled knowing that she was trying to be excited for me and supportive even though she has been feeling down about being single lately.
"Nope, not yet. Which is good, not too desperate. Said he would call by Tuesday and that's tomorrow so we'll see."
"He'll call. Are you nervous?"
"Nervous about him calling? Nah... I'm more nervous about going on an actual date."
"You? But you don't get nervous."
I thought about this and wondered why it was that the prospect of a real live breathing man was freaking me out. I mean, shit, I have been having one helluva dry spell and I am glad to see it's at least looking like rain again. [aside: apparently the great state of Texas and I are on the same drought schedule.] And I am not nervous about the guy or about being on a date because I am good in social situations and I know that.
So what's bugging me?
As she and I continued to talk, I realized that it isn't me or the guy, it's my phenomenally bad luck on dates.
Oh yeah, the guys seem all normal before I am out in public with them... but then - well, let's recap here.

Ok, first real date I had after splitting up with NY was with a guy I met on some dating site. He lived in Austin and was older than me at thirty nine. I have never had an issue with dating older guys and at that time, my cutoff age was forty and that was just because I really think that more than fifteen years and we just won't have that much in common.
Anyway, this guy was adorable, had a daughter that was five that he had shared custody with and he seemed to really dig me. We moved from online to the phone very quickly and then he decided to drive down from Austin and take me to dinner.
That's a more than two hour drive people.
So, we met and went out to eat. Lots of talking, very comfortable and after dinner we went for a walk down by the river. He drove me home where I got The Hug.
I'm sorry, but when you drive two plus hours for a date and then give your date The Hug, it is either very good or very bad.
Very good (and more unlikely) - You had a good time and liked your date enough that you don't want to move too fast, you want her to know you respect her. So, you give her The Hug because you plan on giving her The Kiss the next time.
Very bad (and more likely) - You don't want to go out with her again.
I was pretty sure it was the latter. It wasn't that I didn't have a good time, it was just that I don't think he had as good a time as I did.
And then, he threw a curve ball.
He calls me the next night from his friends place, tells me he is in the bathroom but he wanted to call and say hi and we'll talk soon.
Guys, if you aren't interested in a chic, don't do this. It's misleading.
Sure enough, the next time we talked he basically made it clear that he had assumed since I was in my early twenties that I was going to act like that. How? By being some college party girl or something.
Sorry, party girl? Not so much.
After that date, I was kind of wary to get out there again since it seemed that my age was misleading.

Let's see, who was next... Ahhhh yes, the John Travolta look alike. Also in his mid to late thirties. He actually called in where I work and he and I spoke several times while I was helping him find a vehicle he wanted to buy. After the third phone call he asked me out.
At this time, I was having a hard time with babysitters and didn't have any free evenings so he asked me to meet him for breakfast (before work). I was impressed that he was so willing to conform to my schedule.
We met at a restaurant in the town where I work and his resemblance to John Travolta was really quite eerie.
The first five minutes of breakfast were fine, totally normal. But then, it was like Mr. Creepy had come out to play. He kept looking at me like I wasn't dressed or something. He didn't really talk, he just kept looking at me. Like he was mentally asking me to fuck his brains out or something. So, I am carrying all of the conversation and he is basically staring with this goofy smile.
Long story short, after breakfast I was ready to bolt. He was getting a little touchy feely and a lot weird. As if his trying to put his arm around me wasn't enough, he asks me if I can be late for work. I asked him why and he said, and I quote, "Well, I have a hotel room a few blocks away."
Seriously?

And last and certainly the worst date I have ever been on was with the abnormally tall man whose name I can't remember. This was another call into my job where the guy I was helping wanted to take me out. He was nice, mid-thirties and the reason I don't accept dates through work any more.
He and I met at a theater in San Antonio and watched Troy (I think... because it was a loooong movie.) Anyway, about thirty minutes into the movie, he actually yells at someone because their phone rang. Then he yells at some teenagers who are talking a few rows down.
I wanted to crawl under the seat.
After the movie, we had agreed to have dinner.
So, we go to this Italian place and he orders a bottle of really great wine. I was mentally planning my escape until I had drank most of that wine. But, I had to drink it because I was trying to drown his incessant babbling out.
Now, you may think I am mean, but you weren't almost two hours into the discussion of how he was going to buy an eighteen wheeler and remodel the cargo area into a home. Yes, you read that right, a home. Man, what I would give to have recorded this for you guys.
Not only was he telling me about it, but he was drawing pictures on the paper table cloth with crayons.
For. Two. Hours.
The wine couldn't even numb my brain enough to make that not hurt.
Afterwards, I was ready for him to drive me back to my car but sadly he had already arranged for us to go play pool with a few of his friends. I made a comment about it being late and he said just one game and he would take me back to my car.
Instead, he tried to get me very drunk.
Thirty minutes after we got there and the waitress was bring me my third jack and coke, I had to pull her aside and tell her not to put anymore "jack" in my coke since my "date" was ordering a round every friggen five minutes.
We finally get back to my car about an hour and a half after he introduces me to his psycho friends (one of which would hit on me whenever Tall Boy wasn't looking) and I try to give him The Hug, knowing full well I never intended to see him again. And do you know what he does? He so mauls my face.
Ehck.

So, you see, dear readers, why I am a little freaked out to go on yet another date?
Ok, ya'll have them. Post the bad dates in the comments :)

so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 7:05 AM
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