God it is like a million times easier to say how happy and stable and secure I am in my life when I don't have an alternative.
Even when I like someone.
Even then I can say, "yeah but..." and find a way to make it all ok that they aren't a permanent fixture in my life.
But man, when someone likes me back...
When someone does even just a few of those things that make that part of my mind open up.. that part that is usually sealed off... that part that allows me to think about the 'what if's'.
Once you open up The What If part, suddenly it becomes ridiculously apparent exactly how much more there is out there that you don't have even when you feel like you have it all.
And it doesn't have to be that person. You don't have to have them. But some of the stuff that they do? You realize you miss that stuff. And that you want that stuff. God you want that stuff.
You want someone to push your hair back behind your ear. Or lay on the couch and watch a movie with. You want someone who will call you on your way home to make sure that you are ok. You want someone to try and kiss the bad away. Or buy you tube socks.
You just want that connection with someone else.
That level of comfort.
And even if you know it isn't going to be that person, even if you know that they aren't Your Person... you just dig your fucking claws in anyway because it's as close as you've gotten for a long time. And god you don't want to go back into the world of pretending like you don't need it or that it doesn't exist.
Maybe it's all we've got but it's all I need.

You're just sitting there one day all happy with your life and then someone dangles a little piece of something that could make you happier in front of you and you just wish that they hadn't.
You wish you'd gotten up and went to the bathroom before they showed up and they'd dangled it in front of someone else.

Labels: my crazy life, My pathetic excuse for a love life