Wednesday, June 08, 2005
adieu to you (trois)
This same call is riddled with accusations, with jealousy, with spite and doubt; all of which are unwarranted given the situation. He was so sure that I had some guy in my bed. He made it clear that he didn’t want me seeing anyone else. I grunt at this and remind him of his girlfriend, of the fact that almost the entire time that we have been doing whatever the hell it is that we are doing that he has been with someone else. That he dates her, that he meets her family, that he (undoubtedly) is intimate with her in some ways, but more importantly that he is with her, not me. And in his being in said situation, I am not obligated to share with him my personal life in any way. The only agreement we ever had was that we would tell each other if we decided to start having sex with someone else. Nothing else need be shared.
I can honestly say that I didn’t know that it even remotely bothered him. I have told him before about guys I have went out with and he always listened as though he were my friend and honestly wanted to be included in all aspects of my life. It wasn’t until mid December that he told me it bothered him and I stopped mentioning it then. In fact, I went to great lengths to ensure he didn’t hear about it after that. I would tell him early on that day that I would be busy with the girls or a friend and would call him when I was home later so he wouldn’t accidentally call mid-date.

This call goes on for the better part of an hour. I feel as though I have entered the twilight zone. Am I seriously arguing with him? Is this really happening? But the further the call proceeds the clearer it is. He is flip flopping from apologizing for his behavior to again being defensive and paranoid. I suggest that we stop sleeping together (again, shut up) and just revert to friendship. He agrees in one breath that this is a good idea, in the next breath asks to come over.
Then he says it. He says that one thing that solidifies my position as officially being (gag) the other woman. He tells me (almost verbatim here guys) that I am his escape from everything. That he needs to see me to escape from his life. Sit back down, Kate. No. No, you did not just say that to me. You did not just tell me that I am just the other girl. No. No. No. Ahhhh, but yes, yes he did. Yes I am. Where’s that scarlet letter?
Almost immediately he tries to cushion the blow by commending me on my sexual expertise as it were and uses the word ‘addiction’ in regards to being around me but alas it is too late. I am already crumpled. The words have been released into
the Universe and I am that woman, that woman I hate. That woman who slept with my exes and who I swore I would never be. How did this not register before? I know how, I know how I ignored it, rationalized it. But now, he said it.
And what could possibly top this? What could possibly take us all the way to outcome number three? Please, let me tell you… Well, I go immediately into retreat mode. I turn my back and run as fast as I can from my alleged friends with benefits chair and try and sit back on my friends only couch. But I can’t, he isn’t letting me. He actually says to me (EXACT words) “with me, it’s all or nothing”. I beg your pardon? I must have misunderstood you because your ideas of the words all and nothing must surely be different from those of Mr. Webster. You see, my dear, I have been stuck in between all and nothing for eleven (ELEVEN!!) months. I have had some. Some of your time, some of your friendship, some of your intimacy, some, some, some. There wasn’t ever any all. And now you are going to say that what we had before was your definition of all?? I don’t think so. But more importantly are you willing to chunk what was a good friendship simply because the sex is now gone? Gee, I must have meant so much to you. Lucky me.


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so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 4:35 AM
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Who: katehopeeden
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12/14/84 - 1/26/05

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