After pushing Amanda and Emilee out the door and to the bus stop, I came in and got Trin ready for daycare and then put her in the living room to watch Little Einsteins. I knew what I was wearing to work so when I got in the shower, that wasn't one of the things I needed to figure out so my mind was wandering. And then it just landed there, on that conversation.
It's funny how it can hit you.
Every day I think about her. Every day I see her pictures on my dresser, on my desktop, on my desk, on my blog. I think of her when I see her necklace hanging from my rearview mirror or when I pick out what to wear for the day and see her clothes hanging in my closet. I think of her when I drive past the place where I sat on the side of the road and screamed at The Universe to change it and the place where I called the first person that I knew should know and told them. I think of her when I email her mom and ask her how she is feeling today and hope it is better than yesterday. I think of her a hundred times a day and I miss her so much that the empty spot in my soul just aches.
But I can handle that now. I can think of her and push the tears back and try and ignore the void. I can function. I can manage to work and play and smile.
I don't think I am the same person I was before that day but I try as much as I can to be the person I am now and still keep as much of that other girl that I can.
And then there are days like yesterday that just kick my ass.
Days where I don't want to be anywhere except sedated. Days where I need to be distracted but there isn't a thing in this world that could hold my attention. Days where I am craving the hangover I could have the next morning if I would just go out and drink it all away.
I just baby stepped my way through all of yesterday. One thing at a time. One task completely finished before gingerly moving to the next one. And I made it. Of course I did. We always do, don't we?
I talked to her mother for an hour yesterday.
We cried and we laughed and we missed each other even more.
You don't get over this. It doesn't go away the way everyone says it will. It doesn't hurt less and you don't replace the heartache with anything.
You survive it.
And when you are sitting there remembering how she gave you that candy apple candle for Mother's Day four years ago with the card that said she loved you and you were such a great mom, you cry.
You adjust and you cope and you feel that pain because it always hurts and it always aches but you find a way to deal with it.
Days like yesterday suck.
They hurt and they are hard.
But they pass and I can move on to days like today. Days where I can see that the sun is shining or hear my friends talking and appreciate those things.
Labels: Amanda, Emilee, The Universe, Triniti, Veronique
