Friday, May 05, 2006
reflections of last year.
My birthday is in ten days.
In ten days, I will be twenty six.
No big deal right? No different than twenty three or four or even five really.
One of the things I like about blogging is having the ability to, after a few clicks, go back and see who I was a year ago.
Last year, the night before my birthday, Mr.I came over. He spent the night and left the next morning. I remember sitting outside with him that night, talking. But, I can't remember anything that he said. Mostly because I was so consumed with this overwhelming feeling of change. I was watching him, but it was like the world was muted and all I could hear was this changing that was happening inside of me.
I knew that night, whether I was ready to admit it or not, that he and I were not ever going to have a relationship of any substance. I knew, sitting there and watching him talk that we were coming around for the final lap. I knew he didn't love me or even care about me the way that I did him. Admitting that to myself and to all of you who read my thoughts then was a completely different story.
It was a reverse ending for me since normally when I know someone isn't right for me, it is me making the choice to end it. And when I know, I just know. I can't usually be around that person for more than a few more hours without having to tell them because the feelings of guilt in possibly leading them on are too intense for me. But that time, it was he who wasn't going to be with me and my realizing that didn't mean I had to stop seeing him it just meant I somehow had to deal with it. At least at that point in time.
I was settling for something completely sub par because I wanted it more than I wanted something better.
Last week, Hot Toddy wrote about having lost someone that he loved. And if you read
Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven with any kind of regularity (which you should) then you would have read about his finding of Thor and then, months later, his losing him.
Around this same time, Snowelf wrote about her love having sent her an email saying he missed her.
Both of these posts made me think about Mr.I. In fact, the entire ordeal with Medic also made me think about him. The fact is that despite all of the shit that happened with Mr.I, I don't think I have ever been so compatible with someone personality wise. After over a year of a sub par relationship, I still never bored of him. And not because of some lacking self esteem disorder where I didn't think I deserved better or needed someone to cling to. But because we had that thing between us. That connection.
And as of recently, I have realized it.
I realized that if it hadn't been for him, for the fact that restored my faith in being able to find that thing in another person, I may have been more susceptible to Medic. I may have not believed that there was someone out there who I could have everything with.
Was that person Mr.I?
Well, obviously not. But he was as close as I have managed to find and thank goodness for finding him and knowing that the right one, the right one is going to somehow feel better than everything I felt with him. Which is what I told Toddy. If the wrong guy felt so right, it must be amazing how the right guy will feel.

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so eloquently put by katehopeeden at 7:01 AM
| link to this post | 10 spoke |


Who: katehopeeden
Where: San Antonio, Texas Yeah, so I am all that you see here. I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty... sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends. I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am. Want to know more?
Click here!




12/14/84 - 1/26/05


"The most wasted day is one in which we have not laughed"

"Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while you might miss it."

"Guys are like stars, there's a million of them out there but only one of them can make your dreams come true." "Don't spend your life with someone you can live with, spend it with someone you can't live without."

"Reach for the moon, even if you miss you will still land among the stars"



Veronique

Yoda

Hot Toddy

Finding Liz

The Adorable DB

Tux Baby
Malcolm (he'll be back)

They'll All Fall

we grabbed the lion

Red Hot Sexy Papa

Snow

dooce

Madi (my stalker)

Did I miss you?
Do you feel left out and sad?
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Childhood Memories

My Mother

The Story of AZ

The Time In Between

The Beginning Of NY

The man from my dreams

The End Of NY

Growing and Changing

Learning to Cope

These are a work in progress. They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.

"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog). All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold. I don't think I could have done it. To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise, but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration. You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL. Thank you so much." -Stef

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That cracked my shit up! TM

Kate went to Dallas?

You asked Kate questions?

Kate was stung by a Scorpion?

Kate met Mr. I?

Kate got pissed?

There was a mouse?

Kate shared?

Kate confessed?

Kate turned 25?

Kate shared some more?

"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?! So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal

"I LOVE inner monologues. They rock!"
-Hot Toddy


Ebay

The Gym

Morning Monologue

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sizzling RH 05







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