In ten days, I will be twenty six.
No big deal right? No different than twenty three or four or even five really.
One of the things I like about blogging is having the ability to, after a few clicks, go back and see who I was a year ago.
Last year, the night before my birthday, Mr.I came over. He spent the night and left the next morning. I remember sitting outside with him that night, talking. But, I can't remember anything that he said. Mostly because I was so consumed with this overwhelming feeling of change. I was watching him, but it was like the world was muted and all I could hear was this changing that was happening inside of me.
I knew that night, whether I was ready to admit it or not, that he and I were not ever going to have a relationship of any substance. I knew, sitting there and watching him talk that we were coming around for the final lap. I knew he didn't love me or even care about me the way that I did him. Admitting that to myself and to all of you who read my thoughts then was a completely different story.
It was a reverse ending for me since normally when I know someone isn't right for me, it is me making the choice to end it. And when I know, I just know. I can't usually be around that person for more than a few more hours without having to tell them because the feelings of guilt in possibly leading them on are too intense for me. But that time, it was he who wasn't going to be with me and my realizing that didn't mean I had to stop seeing him it just meant I somehow had to deal with it. At least at that point in time.
I was settling for something completely sub par because I wanted it more than I wanted something better.
Last week, Hot Toddy wrote about having lost someone that he loved. And if you read Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven with any kind of regularity (which you should) then you would have read about his finding of Thor and then, months later, his losing him.
Around this same time, Snowelf wrote about her love having sent her an email saying he missed her.
Both of these posts made me think about Mr.I. In fact, the entire ordeal with Medic also made me think about him. The fact is that despite all of the shit that happened with Mr.I, I don't think I have ever been so compatible with someone personality wise. After over a year of a sub par relationship, I still never bored of him. And not because of some lacking self esteem disorder where I didn't think I deserved better or needed someone to cling to. But because we had that thing between us. That connection.
And as of recently, I have realized it.
I realized that if it hadn't been for him, for the fact that restored my faith in being able to find that thing in another person, I may have been more susceptible to Medic. I may have not believed that there was someone out there who I could have everything with.
Was that person Mr.I?
Well, obviously not. But he was as close as I have managed to find and thank goodness for finding him and knowing that the right one, the right one is going to somehow feel better than everything I felt with him. Which is what I told Toddy. If the wrong guy felt so right, it must be amazing how the right guy will feel.
Labels: Being a Chic, birthday, Dating, My pathetic excuse for a love life
