Above? From an email I received this morning.
Yeah... you know who you are.
Can't answer a phone (or return my calls), but gripes at me about blogging.
Something about a pot and a kettle...
Anyway, this post shall be dedicated to you, my friend.
Don't get all excited, it could suck.

Top Ten Reasons I Haven't Blogged With Anything Even Slightly Resembling Regularity:

10. My mother is visiting yet again. And by "visit" I mean "moved in temporarily" and by "temporarily" I mean "not leaving in the foreseeable future".
That said, she gets her panties all in a wad if I "neglect" polishing my floor with a toothbrush so that I can sit in front of this "stupid thang" and "burn daylight".
Yeah, we really are that Southern.
You see, there is so much that "could be done around the house" because she "didn't raise me that way".

9. New job is sucking my brain out. No, really.
You see, craziest thing... This place where I work now? Yeah, you have to work. A lot. Which, I am sorry to say, is something I am not altogether used to.
The last three years have been like recess all day with one class for like thirty minutes. New job is like classes all day with a short thirty minute recess.
And I don't mean the kind of work where you get to pretend to work. I mean the kind of work where you actually work.
It's actually kind of cool because I am learning all of this stuff about tanks and how all of the things that go with tanks have dirty names.
Like nipples.
Did you know that there is this little screwy thingy that is called a "nipple"?
Uh-huh.
And pipes and pipe like things are either male or female depending on how they go into each other?
Ask me how well this all sits with my haven't-been-laid-in-a-really-fucking-long-time brain.

8. Since I now don't really have any friends I see on a daily basis, I spend my drive to work and home talking to The Cake Lady who mercifully lets me go on and on and on and on and on about all the shit in my head and then says 'That would be a great blog post...' (I can't ever remember any of it once I have verbally vomited it all out otherwise it might make a great blog post...)
Weird as it may seem, I often won't tell a story to anyone until after I've blogged it. Kind of the fucked up equivalent of having a song stuck in my head. I have to save it. Otherwise it isn't as fun to share.
Yeah.

7. Been retelling a bunch of stories ya'll have already heard to people who haven't heard them yet. Ooooh, like I got to retell the Teacher Boy story to Fairy's friend at Fairy's b-day party a weekend or two ago.
Got to the "fun" parts and told her friend we should leave the room so that the dude we were in the room with who was on the phone wouldn't be accidentally transmitting my story to whomever he was speaking to. As soon as I stood up and suggested we take my rated R conversation out of the room, he immediately said, "Hey! Where are ya'll going? That was just getting good! I may be able to use some of that!"
Also, working with new dude at work, who needs a name... and he hasn't heard any of my stories either. Don't worry, I am being gentle. Don't want to scare the lad.

6. Been trying to come up with nicknames for new co-workers.
Now you have to understand, I am working for a SUPER small company. I think there are like ten of us. There are the owners: The Business Woman and her husband The Marine Biologist and their daughter The College Girl ("Just 27 more days till I get to go back to school Kate."). Then there is the aforementioned dude who is my age... who I can't seem to think of a name for but must tell you guys now HE IS MARRIED before your dirty minds start sending me places I am not going to go. Then there is The Quiet Talker. This woman speaks more quietly than a nun in church. The Super Happy Lady With The SingSong Voice, whom we will call SingSong for short... The Warehouse Lady and The Lady Who Doesn't Like Me.
Save The College Girl and myself, EVERY. SINGLE. WOMAN. THERE. has the Old Lady Haircut. Oh, you know the one.
It's the short, poofy, stands up off their head hair cut.
I don't even think the secret of how to get your hair to hover an inch and a half of your head is given to you until menopause.

5. Been shopping.
What for?
Oh, you know... MY BEACH TRIP!
Aaawwww yeah. Thursday, come hell or high water, I am loading up all my shit and my girls shit and we are going to the coast.
For three nights.
This time next week, I will be peeling off skin from the hellacious sunburn I will undoubtedly enjoy getting this very weekend.
Got my Sandcastles for Dummies book and I am so building a BIG ASS sandcastle.
With towers and windows and stuff.
You'll see the pictures.

4. Had something in the realm of nineteen million emails to return.
At my old job I could spend countless hours reading all of your blogs on HIGH SPEED and commenting and writing emails.
At home, not so much.
I've read like two blogs this week. (ALL OF YOU NEED RSS FEED!) and I don't think I commented on either because the page took too damn long to load.
So, I've been trying to write you guys back when I can.
Which obviously I suck at because I am so far behind on emails I am not getting them any more.
:(

3. I've been incredibly busy being jealous that Lola is going to IRELAND tomorrow.
That has taken up a lot of my time.

2. This whole buying a car thing is giving me a heart attack.
Everything is being put off until the VERY LAST MINUTE and thereby causing me to panic.
A lot.
Talked to my car guy on Thursday and narrowly avoided what will forever be remembered as The Almost Mini-Van Incident.
Seems he confused my wanting a Freestyle with a Freestar.
Which is a mini-van.
I literally got him on the phone mere minutes before he was going to purchase me a white SES Freestar.
It's ok.
Back away from the ledge.
I got him in time.
Of course this means he isn't even buying my car until TOMORROW!
And I am supposed to pick it up from him on WEDNESDAY.

I don't even want to talk about it anymore.
I'll have to curl up into the fetal position and chant.
And no one wants that.

1. Putting together top ten lists takes a looooong time.