The Raven
by Edgar Allan Poe

First Published in 1845

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
" 'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door;
Only this, and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow, sorrow for the lost Lenore,.
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore,
Nameless here forevermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me---filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating,
" 'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door,
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door.
This it is, and nothing more."

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"Sir," said I, "or madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is, I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you." Here I opened wide the door;---
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into the darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word,
Lenore?, This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word,
"Lenore!" Merely this, and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping, something louder than before,
"Surely," said I, "surely, that is something at my window lattice.
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore.
Let my heart be still a moment, and this mystery explore.
" 'Tis the wind, and nothing more."

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven, of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door.
Perched upon a bust of Pallas, just above my chamber door,
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
"Though thy crest be shorn and shaven thou," I said, "art sure no craven,
Ghastly, grim, and ancient raven, wandering from the nightly shore.
Tell me what the lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore."
Quoth the raven, "Nevermore."

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning, little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door,
Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as "Nevermore."

But the raven, sitting lonely on that placid bust, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered; not a feather then he fluttered;
Till I scarcely more than muttered, "Other friends have flown before;
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before."
Then the bird said, "Nevermore."

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
"Doubtless," said I, "what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master, whom unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster, till his songs one burden bore,---
Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore
Of "Never---nevermore."

But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore --
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking "Nevermore."

Thus I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl, whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamplight gloated o'er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamplight gloating o'er
She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by seraphim whose footfalls tinkled on the tufted floor.
"Wretch," I cried, "thy God hath lent thee -- by these angels he hath
Sent thee respite---respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, O quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!"
Quoth the raven, "Nevermore!"

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil!--prophet still, if bird or devil!
Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate, yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted--
On this home by horror haunted--tell me truly, I implore:
Is there--is there balm in Gilead?--tell me--tell me I implore!"
Quoth the raven, "Nevermore."

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil--prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that heaven that bends above us--by that God we both adore--
Tell this soul with sorrow laden, if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden, whom the angels name Lenore---
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels name Lenore?
Quoth the raven, "Nevermore."

"Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!" I shrieked, upstarting--
"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! -- quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"
Quoth the raven, "Nevermore."

And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming.
And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted---nevermore!

Labels: Amanda, At work, Being Mommy

As most of you know, I have been in communication with Amanda and Emilee's dad now since May. He and I wrote each other quite frequestly in May, June, July & then in August, he was released from prison. And since his release our communication has lessened considerably which I have to say surprises me. I thought that he would continue to write and email often. Maybe that is because in my mind, I felt like I was helping keep him grounded. And maybe I really wasn't... I don't know. In any case, we have emailed back and forth a few times and he asks about the girls and says he's doing ok.
Through his sister-in-law, I learned that he had been working with his brother and had been hearing that he was actually keeping his shit together so much as they could tell and I decided last week to try and get in touch with him for a call. (I'm all queen of the babysteps.) So his SIL emailed me the number to his girlfriend's place (which is apparently where he is living now) and I called. She answered and sounded super nice but apparently it was a cell phone and she was at work. She assured me she would pass the message along that I had called. This was all on Saturday night. Sunday afternoon he called me back.
Here's the weird thing, I don't get all freaked out with the butterflies in my stomach about him. I'm not nervous about talking to him. I literally had no emotion about it except that I wanted to get outside so no one would know who I was talking to.
He is so defeated. So very very very defeated. Life has just kicked him and he is staying down. I asked him how he was and he said he was ok but repeatedly said "life sucks" & the only time he seemed to perk up was when he talked about the "old days" when he & I were together. In fact, his new girlfriend and I have the same name and when he told me that I said something about how that was a little weird and he said "yeah, I make her dress up like you..."
Anyway, the reason I had called him was to ask him if he was interested in calling Amanda on her birthday (in three weeks). He said he would be and thanked me and that was pretty much it. We were on the phone for less than seven minutes.

Labels: Being Mommy, my crazy life

So my absolutely fabulous daughter Emilee? Remember her? She is the one who is so super smart and so super caring and yet she has never really had a great friend. It's sad. The one little girl she is always hanging out with is a brat who treats her poorly and recently I've made it pretty clear that I won't tolerate it any more. She has to surround herself in people who treat her well or not at all. I don't want her to get into the habit of thinking it's ok to be treated bad as long as there is someone there.
Anyway, she and this little boy named Shawn have become friends :) And they talk on the phone every day and email each other and have spent the last two weekends together (supervised - he is a boy after all). And last week, she came home and told me she had had an awesome day and when I asked why she explained that while her and Shawn were wonderful friends outside of school, they didn't really hang out in school.
Basically they way she explained it was that he didn't want everyone thinking that they were "boyfriend and girlfriend". Well Emilee told Shawn that either they were friends or they weren't and she wasn't about to be a "secret" friend. So he could hang out with her in school and out or not at all. And he said ok.
I can't tell you how happy it makes me to have her stand up for herself and know her own worth like that. It makes me very happy and puts a little check mark under my Mommy Column that says Did Something Right.

Labels: Being Mommy, Emilee

Recently I went to the home of an older woman who was the foster parent of a little boy who is in Triniti's class. The state of this home was atrocious. The elderly woman claimed she had been very ill lately and everything had gotten away from here and whether that is true or not, all I could think about was this poor little boy. I wanted to put him in my car and take him home and put him to bed in a clean and safe home. A home without roaches or that smell of too many animals who aren't house broken.
It killed me.
And in doing so it made me realize that there are an insane amount of kids just like that little boy. There are thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of kids out there who dream about a clean and safe home. And, dear reader, I have one.
So I have applied to become a foster parent.
My brother will be moving out at the end of the school year and when he does, I intend to take in another child. Someone who is between five and ten years old and who needs me and who needs my girls.
I cannot think of a single reason why not to. I have a home which is plenty big enough, I have the financial capabilities of taking on another person but more importantly - most importantly I have the room in my heart to love someone else and there is with out a doubt someone out there who needs to be loved by me and my family.

Labels: adoption, Being Mommy, family drama, my crazy life, Noah, sisters

Labels: Being Mommy, Triniti