At my last Halloween Party (you know, the party that confirms I've lost my mind every year?), Jiffinner brought a cheeseball shaped like a pumpkin.
It was super cute.
And, unlike all the other cheeseballs I've had in my life, this one was GOOOOOOOOD.
So on Friday when she and I went on the Mad Shopping Spree for Fairy's baby shower, we decided at the last minute to make one for the party. We got all of the stuff and then Saturday night, when Jiffinner came over to help with the food, we decided we couldn't have it be shaped like a pumpkin... we wanted it to be baby themed.
A bottle of sangria later, I was all BABY HEAD! BABY HEAD! Alas, Amanda and Jiffinner said heck no, that would be weird... instead, Jiffinner tried to sculpt a rattle out of cheese ball.

I'm all, "uuuhhh, shouldn't the rattle part be bigger and the shaft handle be skinnier?"


I practically had to leave the room.
Jiffinner says, "let's add the handle part and maybe it will look better..."
Jiffiner mentions a piercing and I did have to leave the room.


A much more rated G cheeseball.

Recipe:
16oz sharp cheddar cheese (buy the big block and shred yourself)
8oz cream cheese
8oz container chive & onion cream cheese
1tbsp paprika
1/4tsp ground red pepper

Mush ingredients together w/hands.

Labels: Being a Chic, cooking, recipes, soul sisters

The Emilee pic is the only one I have right now because she's been staying with my mom for the last two weeks while in drama camp... I promise she isn't always that angry :-)

Labels: Amanda, daughters, Emilee, Triniti

I emailed back and forth with the lady who taught my adoption/foster classes when I was going through everything with Cody. It took me over a week to be able to write the letter below. I needed time to reflect on how I felt about the Cody situation and how it had ended and truthfully, I needed a little time to grieve what I felt as a loss.

Good morning [caseworker],
Well it took me a little time to be able to send this email... Cody is back with his father.
It was a tremendously heartbreaking experience to go through. I can't believe how many different emotions you feel when you have a child staying with you, even temporarily. It makes me respect those parents who can do foster care about a million times more than I already did.
It also makes me certain of the choice I made to go straight for adoption and not do foster care.
I was so ready to make a place for Cody in my home, in my family and in my life. It was a hard choice to make but once I'd thought through as much of it as I could at one time, I had made the choice to choose him and for me, that started the really hard part of letting him then choose us and then talking to his parents. It was hard because I once I decided I wanted him with us, I didn't want anyone else to come along and tell me no. Additionally, I started to realize the enormity of that choice. That my parenting, my family, my household - it was all going to get harder because I would be fitting a new child, a male child, into it. And I knew it would be a long time before I could relax again about it all.
Anyway, his mother couldn't have cared less. But when I called his dad, it turned out he cared quite a bit. He said he had no idea the situation that Cody was in, not having a place to live and with his mother not caring one way or another. He said he would be down that weekend to pick him up. Just like that, all the thinking and preparation I had done both alone and in conversations with my girls, was done.
I talked to his dad several times on the phone about Cody, and Cody's life, and Cody's future. His dad is scared, overwhelmed, at the prospect of raising this teenaged boy. But he is scared and overwhelmed because he wants to do a good job. He wants to be a dad.
As this all was happening, I reflected back on your class. I kept telling myself that it is best for a child to be with their parents. That reuniting them is the goal. And I believe it too.
I will make myself available to Cody's dad as much as I can be. Even if he just needs someone to talk to when things aren't easy. But in the long run, I have to believe that this is what is best for everyone.
I feel like I learned so much from such a short experience... things I will take into my own adoption process as valuable lessons. It made me all the more certain that our family is ready for that little girl to be here. I hope that we find her soon.
Thank you so very much for being someone I could talk to about this while it was all going on and all overwhelming me. You've truly been a friend.
~KHE

Labels: adoption, Being Mommy, my crazy life

I'm sorry for the "radio silence" lately... Every time I think about writing anything here, I am just overwhelmed by all of the stuff I want to write and the enormity of some of it and I end up out in my yard pulling weeds and planning out where I think I should plant my zucchini next season.
What?
Who wrote that?
Gardening?
What is today? June 16th right? Let's pop back five years in the past and see what THAT Heather was doing...
--insert dreamy back in time music here--
*~*~*~*~*~*I was telling the girls about the possibility of my meeting Matthew McConaughey on the way home. The VERY 'G' version, of course. Nothing about me wanting to do interesting and nasty things to his body....*~*~*~*~*~*
Yeah, that's more like it. What happened to the girl who used to blog about Matthew McConaughey's body? Now it's all gardening and how I don't ever get laid anymore.
Why do you guys come here again?

Anyway, some reality. The Cody thing hit me harder than I thought it would. I wasn't ready to write about it because it made me sad. I wanted to help him. And while I think that he is much better off with his dad than he was with his mother, I still know it wouldn't be as good as being with me because I do shit right.
Additionally, I realize that I can't fix everything and everyone and that he isn't mine to fix.
So I am repeating that to myself daily and the more I do it, the less I feel angry and defeated.
I do feel like it was a little bit of a dry run for the actual adoption stuff that is eventually coming. I had no idea about the barrier that would be there between the child and I and I got a good taste of that with Cody. The whole acting like your parent but not actually being your parent thing. I don't know, maybe it will be a little different when I get my little girl... because she'll be younger, because she'll know she is being adopted...
I guess only time will tell.

I'm also going through some work stuff that I am not ready to blog about. Soon, my pretties, soon.

I am not going through any guy stuff. The last almost guy stuff fizzled out and died. Which was totally my fault because I've apparently decided I'm... I don't even know. Not ready? Too controlling? Interested in the accumulation of both spinster dresses and cats?
I sent an email to a friend the other day about dating...

We are used to being in relationships, we want to have someone there to
help, to be the co-parent, the partner... Being alone is
scary.
Let me tell you a secret. When your girls are little like yours are
now, you really feel more alone because you are just the caretaker, at that
point, you need your friends and your family more than anything. You need
to have someone to call who gives a shit about the random ass thing your five
year old just said. Your support system. If you don't have that,
find it asap. And please know, I would love to be a part of that support
system.
But here's the secret part, in a few years, your girls are going to start
becoming these people. They are going to be people that you want to spend
a lot of time with. They morph from someone you take care of into someone
who can help out, who has amazing things to say, who makes you laugh, who is
super fun to watch a movie with or take a walk with.
And then, at some point, you are going to look back and think to yourself
that you are so ridiculously lucky to have had all of those years where it was
just you and them. The bond is going to be this amazing thing, suddenly
you are going to realize that you'd rather finish the journey with your
daughters before you embark upon a relationship journey.
I wasted a lot of time trying to find the right guy. Going through
all of the excitement that comes with a new relationship, all of the
infatuation, the phone calls, the slipping away for a weekend. And in the
end, I found that I'd rather hang with my girls. My oldest leaves in five
years. Five years. It was like yesterday that she was only five
years old. I have no idea how it happened. I guess what I am saying
is once you find balance in yourself in the life you have now with your girls,
you will find that you don't really want more right now.

I think that sums up, pretty well, why I just can't seem to get excited about dating right now. I mean, if Matthew McConaughey comes a-knockin', I'm not sending him away or anything :-) Or for that matter, if I met someone who really seemed like a good and patient match, I'd probably give it a shot... but I'm not looking.

Ok, that's all I have time for this morning, gotta get to work. I promise to try and get more stuff up here. I miss you guys.

Labels: adoption, At work, my crazy life, My pathetic excuse for a love life

4,100/60,000
6.9%

Labels: writing a book

Just as I had finally started to accept the reality of Cody being in my house and all of the anxiety and responsibility that comes with a co-ed household of non-related teenagers, it all blows up in my face.
Cody’s mom decided she was just fed up with having to deal with him.
No. Really.
That’s what she told me today, that she couldn’t deal with him anymore.
When was she dealing with him at all?
She is coming to pick him up today to take him to a friend of his dad’s house until his dad can pick him up on Saturday and take him back to Other Town Three Hours Away. She even went and withdrew him from school yesterday without even telling me. So I stuck him on the bus this morning and because she told him to leave yesterday to meet her and then sent him back to ride the bus, the school suspended him anyway so he couldn’t even go to school today and was instead stuck in town until he got a ride back to my house.
What the fuck is wrong with people?
I spoke to his dad twice. Once yesterday and once today and whether he is a good dad or not remains to be seen but he did seem to be equal parts not surprised and disgusted with Cody’s mom. After talking to her today, I am not surprised.
I feel like I lost.
I feel like I tried to fight for him and lost.
Even the most simple thing, keeping him in school for two weeks, I lost.
I feel defeated.
And angry.
And sad.

Labels: Being Mommy, my crazy life