I must admit that I am spoiled in that respect. Every man I have ever been with has wanted me. Even the guys that I sought out for a purely physical relationship, who were prone to having only flings, later would admit that they were in love with me or had feelings for me or that they wanted us to move in together. Ninety nine percent of the time, that is my run away! button.
It's a gamble with me. I can find myself totally attracted to someone, consumed with lust and interest. I get sucked into that infatuation hard and fast and then suddenly, it disappears from my radar and I am left with someone whom I can't even imagine ever having felt any of those things for. With some of them it is staggering to me afterwards that I ever even wanted to be around them, with others (like Mr. I) I just realize that I made a mistake and I was probably only interested in their friendship but with them being male and my being alone, I fell into that trap of having sex with them.
With the exception of occasionally feeling lonely and sometimes wanting for that one person - that match that almost seems mythical, I usually enjoy being alone. I like to flirt and I like the rush that you sometimes get from good flirting. That rush disappears when you are in a relationship because you don't have that sexual tension any more... well maybe you still have the tension but the possibility of having sex with that person is really gone. And it isn't as good because you feel guilty for having some good flirting when you are in a relationship so it kind of cheapens it.
It really is all about the chase most of the time. I can't see beyond enjoying the chase since I haven't even really gotten that 'marriage' feeling. I've never loved someone enough to make that leap. And I am ok with that.
I often tell my daughters (when they are upset about their father not having been around for the last five years) that this is just the hand that they were dealt in life. That some kids don't have fathers and some kids do. All families are different and that I think ours is pretty darn good. They tend to agree. I sometimes need to give myself that same advice when it comes to my being single. Not everyone marries and not everyone has a constant boyfriend. I like being single and I like meeting these different men and learning more about myself and what I do and don't want through our relationships. I like that I can devote my life to my kids without ever having to question someone else's happiness other than ours. I sometimes wish I had that person there in the middle of the night and that when I woke up, their arms would be around me and I would feel safe and loved. But I think what I have is pretty good.
Wow, that was some serious digressing :)
continued...
Labels: History Lesson, Mr. I, My pathetic excuse for a love life
