After two hours in the car...
"Mamma, we should have went to the airport."

After four hours in the car...
"Mamma, are we still in the United States?"

Labels: Dallas Trip, Triniti

Or Have a Happy New Year.



Unfortunately, I will not be around for the New Year. I will be in Dallas with my mother's family. My Uncle is turning the big five-oh and we are all sneaking up there to surprise him.
So while some of you will be home with your significant other sipping champagne and watching the ball drop, I will be ringing it in with all of my relatives.
Without a single hope of being kissed.
By a really cute boy.
*sigh*
No, no. It's okay.
I'll be fine.
Kiss-less, but fine.
(Unless of course you have some cute, single boy with an accent just sitting around that you want to get rid of. If that's the case call me!)



So, next time I see all of you crazy people, it will be 2009.
And I have plans.
Oh yes.
Plans.
A new year? Well this will be one with some changes.
Oh yeah, changes.

And if not changes? Then there will certainly be procrastination.
I can promise you that one of the two will occur.
Oh yes.

Labels: Dallas Trip, family drama

"So Trin, did you have a great Christmas?"

"Yeah, it was so awesome!!"

"Good. What was your favorite part?"

"The best part was that I didn't get any coal!"

Labels: Being Mommy, Christmas, Triniti

After a big fight with her sisters this morning that led to a dozen phone calls to me at work which led to me threatening all of their lives if they didn't knock it off, Amanda finally emailed me her Christmas list.
I wish i had no more sisters.
a hamster (teddy bear hamster)
legos mars misson good guys
my meebas
and glitter pens in my stocking also some chocolate please :(

Labels: Amanda, Being Mommy, Christmas

"Trin, it's time for bed... you need to go get your jamas on..."

"I don't want to wear pajamas tonight."

"Sorry babe, that's the rule. At bedtime, we wear jamas."

"No. I'm not going to. I'm not wearing pajamas."

"Oh, ok. Well I guess I'll have to call Santa and tell him that you are breaking the rules."

"NO! Don't call him, I'll put them on." A few seconds later and under her breath, "Tattle-teller."

Labels: Being Mommy, Christmas, Triniti

Watching me like you never watch no one
Don't tell me that you didn't try and check out my bum
Cause I know that you did
Cause your friend told me that you liked it

Gave me those pearls and I thought they were ugly
Though you try to tell me that you never loved me
I know that you did
'Cause you said it and you wrote it down

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do
So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

Sitting in restaurants
Thought we were so grown up
But I know now that we were not the people
That we turned out to be

Chatting on the phone
Can't take back those hours
But I won't regret
'Cause you can grow flowers
From where dirt used to be

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do
So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own
(do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do)

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own
(do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do)

Labels: music

That whole title is such a lie to me. There is very, very, very, very, very little I enjoy about cooking. In fact, the part about eating what I cook is just about it... and half the time, that may not even be the case. Maybe this stems from my parental figures and the examples set (or not set) by them in the art of cuisine.
Or maybe I am just lazy.
I dislike shopping so actually acquiring all of the items necessary to cook something pisses me off and god forbid you get home and start making something and you are out of freakin' vanilla or pepper or pickled beets. But even if you aren't, you are going to get a shitload of dishes dirty and make a mess and spend fourteen hours making pretty much anything. And while whatever it is is cooking and you are trying not to burn it, you'll have to clean the whole mess up only to have to clean up again once everyone has eaten whatever it is that you made.
Where is that fun?
Did I miss it??

Anyway, since I am a mother and since I hope to one day send my daughters off into the world capable of keeping themselves alive without having to rely on Taco Bell and Wendy's, I try to teach them to cook things. Which means I have to learn how to cook things first so I can pretend like I already knew how. Plus I have to pretend it's fun to make them, which is the hardest part. And one of the things I learned to make recently is biscuits. And I don't mean the kind that come out of the can, but real biscuits you know, with dough and stuff.
The first time I made these there was some confusion about how All Purpose Flour and Self Rising Flour are apparently different things. Call me crazy but wouldn't one assume that All Purpose would encompass Self Rising? I mean, it's freakin' All Purpose. Isn't one of those "purposes" possibly to self rise?
Anyway, now that we know how to make biscuits from scratch... er, I mean Self Rising Flour, we frequently make them at my house on the weekend. And by "frequently" I mean as little as possible because it takes like forty-five minutes and makes a big damn mess.
Which is why it brought me such joy to witness Amanda making them on Saturday and Sunday. Of course, she likes to make them with little smokies in them but what the hell do I care? I don't have to cook them.

Labels: Amanda, Being Mommy, cooking

I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to
Where I want to go
I don’t need you
I’ve been down this road
Too many times before
I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to

I've had three solid days of pretty limited interruptions in which to contemplate the conversation with Mr.I last week. I talked to Snow, The Cake Lady, Jiffinner and Fairy - all of whom remember, pretty clearly, the entire Saga that was Mr.I. And I've also had time to evaluate as much of the phone call as I can remember and you know, it was pretty typical Mr.I stuff.
Does this mean he doesn't genuinely care about me? Of course not, I do believe that he cares about me, maybe even loves me. But not in a way that I need. Not in a real, forever way.
And the thing is, it is easy to forget it all. All of the pain and heartache and drama. It is especially easy to remember when someone is standing in front of you offering you love. Add to that the fact that you've been alone for such a fucking long time and you have a hard time getting your bearings. So thank you katehopeeden from a few years ago for writing it all down.

Maybe (a few posts ago) I was totally wrong about the being lonely. I'd much rather be lonely than be here. I hate being somewhere where I can and am being hurt. Give me single any day as opposed to pain.

I went back and reread a bunch of posts I had written about him. Trying to remember whether or not it was as bad as all of my friends were reminding me that it was.

The last time I made the mistake of sleeping with him, he didn't call for three days. When he finally did call, I mentioned this and he said he had felt guilty... In my dumb ass assumption, I thought that the guilt he was feeling involved me, at least partially... it didn't. So, here we go again... Round and round on this self depreciating merry-go-round...

The first couple of posts I read were like a kick in the gut. I mean, how could I have written all of this, experienced all of this and now consider getting back into something with him. How could I justify that?

Then he says it. He says that one thing that solidifies my position as officially being (gag) the other woman. He tells me (almost verbatim here guys) that I am his escape from everything. That he needs to see me to escape from his life. Sit back down, Kate. No. No, you did not just say that to me. You did not just tell me that I am just the other girl. No. No. No. Ahhhh, but yes, yes he did. Yes I am. Where’s that scarlet letter?
Fuck.

And then, since this is my honesty place, I tried to rationalize the fact that I was even entertaining the idea of considering him as a viable partner. I thought it's in the past, Kate - maybe he is a different person now. In my mind, I was conjuring up fantasies of him breaking up with his current chic because he just couldn't stand us not being together anymore.

The thing that I hate about Mr. I is that he doesn't follow any of the rules that I have so painstakingly learned through all of my relationships with men. When he calls me 25 times a day, it doesn't mean he can't stop thinking about me. When he and I sleep together after six weeks of not having seen each other and he tells me that he 'missed this', it doesn't mean anything. When he looks at me like he can see exactly what I am feeling, it doesn't mean anything. When he knows what I am thinking without my having even mentioned it, it doesn't mean anything. And finally, when he calls me at 2am just to talk, it doesn't mean anything.

But he didn't call or email or text me. He didn't do anything, just as he has never done anything. And I am so very grateful for it. Because, dear reader, I was mere nanoseconds from jumping on that ride before I could consider all of the pros and cons of it all. Because the thought of being with someone was so powerful that it took away my ability to think it all through - as those types of feelings are prone to doing. But now, I've had a chance to really think about it, really reflect on the possibilities of it all.

The bottom line? I am mad at him for just cutting me out, no words, nothing. Just his back walking away and me asking what the hell happened to any of the bystanders that might have caught a glimpse of this entire train wreck. I laid in bed hoping he would call or come over and he did neither. I can't keep on holding on to this rope waiting for him to come let me down.

And the fact is, my choices in boys may not be the best, but I do know, deep down when something isn't right, isn't going to work. And while I have a tendency to be a little over imaginative and optimistic all at the same time, I need to trust my gut. I need to trust that when I don't see Forever with someone, that that is because there isn't a Forever with them. Not because I am Damaged Girl.

Mr. I is a perfect example of this particular dating trend. Tempest told me flat out, two weeks in, that the only reason I wanted him was because I couldn't have him. And if he were to want me, I would be gone in a blink of an eye. Well, if the past if proof, she is right. Some little neuron in my brain is set to 'flee mode' as soon as anything serious is presented.

I'd like to think that it is gut reaction or that I just know that it isn't what I really want or that it wouldn't work out. Of course, that brings up questions like: Why am I dating them in the first place? Am I setting myself up for failure? Do I not really want anything serious anyway?

The reasons he and I didn't work before had next to nothing to do with his girlfriend, my inability to have children with him or any of the other freakin' shitload of reasons I used to ignore the real facts. The reason we didn't work out is because we aren't supposed to. He isn't The One for me. He isn't my First Date Flower Guy. He isn't Forever. He never was.

I believed the best of Mr. I. I truly, deep down thought that he and I carried with us a special bond in our friendship that could survive the razing of our intimacy. Seemingly I was wrong.

And the fact of the matter is that we can't be friends. We're too explosive for that. It's time to permanently let him go. Deleting him from my phone, my computer, my life.

I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to
I can’t keep my cool
So I keep it true
I got something to lose
So I gotta move
I can’t keep myself
And still keep you too

Labels: Mr. I, My pathetic excuse for a love life

(Sadly, I couldn't access any code to play this on my blog that was ACTUALLY Kanye's. However, oddly I could find code for Fall Out Boy doing it as a cover.)
Or on a Kanye Blog here.
I personally prefer Kanye's because it has that digital altering stuff...

I’m not lovin' you
Way I wanted to
What I had to do
Had to run from you
I’m in love with you
But the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me all the way home

So you never know
Never, never know
Never know enough
Til it’s over love
Til we lose control
System overload
Screamin’ no, no, no, no, no

I’m not lovin' you
Way I wanted to
See I want to move
But can’t escape from you
So I keep it low
Keep a secret code
So everybody else don’t have to know

So keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
Keepin’ your love locked down
Your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
You lose

I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to
I can’t keep my cool
So I keep it true
I got something to lose
So I gotta move
I can’t keep myself
And still keep you too

So I keep in mind
When I’m on my own
Somewhere far from home
In the danger zone
How many times did I tell you
‘fore it finally got through
You lose, you lose

I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to
See I had to go
See I had to move
No more wasting time
You can’t wait for life
We’re just racing time
Where’s the finish line

So keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
Keepin’ your love locked down
Your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
You lose

I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to
I bet no one knew
I got no one new
No, I said I’m through
But got love for you
But I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to

Gotta keep it going
Keep the lovin’ going
Keep it on a roll
Only god knows
If I’ll be with you
Baby I’m confused
You choose, you choose

I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to
Where I want to go
I don’t need you
I’ve been down this road
Too many times before
I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to

So keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
Keepin’ your love locked down
Your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
You lose

You lose
You lose
You lose
You lose

Labels: music

Today Fairy came over and while I was sweeping fourteen pounds of birdseed up in the kitchen, she was dicking around on myspace. When I walked over she was on the "browse" function checking out other people locally and so I asked her why didn't she join Plenty Of Fish and then she could browse with purpose... She said sure so I showed her the site and then went back into the kitchen to continue The Battle of The Birdseed.
About fifteen minutes or so later she was on the description part and I told her she should list that she is going back to school to become a paramedic/firefighter.
A minute or so passes and she says, "Hey Kate, how do you spell paramedic."
I laughed and told her that if she wanted to become one, learning how to spell it may be kind of important and then told her to go to dictionary dot com to find out.
Another minute or so passes and she says, "it isn't working."


When I came back over to see what the problem was, she was on dictonry.com

The other night I had a phone call with someone I used to see. Someone who was, for quite a period of time, important to me. This person and I stopped seeing each other a few years ago and had only this year started to talk to each other again; attempting to begin a kind of friendship. However, despite any attempt I had made for us to get together in a friendly way (lunch, coffee, etc) he consistently didn't follow through. He'd always say it sounded good and then we'd never actually get together. I thought maybe he wasn't as serious about us being friends as I was so our meetings never happened and eventually our phone calls petered out.
But the other night, we talked and when I asked him why it was that he never called me, that we never talked, why we never got together - he responded by telling me that he can't see me, can't talk to me because he is still in love with me.
Love.
A word we never even used in the almost two years we were casually seeing each other. A word that ultimately would have led to the demise of our relationship had I even considered using it. Because we were casual. It was the very fact that I started to feel that way about him that our ending occurred. Well, there were other things. But those things wouldn't have mattered to me had I not started to feel the L-word creeping up and becoming an uncontrollable force. It was what caused me to get out. Because, Dear Reader, he did not feel that way about me.
And now, he says he did and continues to and so much so that he can't progress in the relationship that he is currently in. That the feelings he has had for me are preventing him from taking the logical and expected steps in his relationship. Because he can't get over me.
What?
When the hell did that happen? Because I was on the same ride as he was and I don't remember that particular hill. Never in the entire time that we were together did he even breathe so much as a word about anything more than "caring" about me. Had he told me he felt that way and wanted more from our situation at the time, I would have gladly obliged. And he knew that.
So now, I feel almost burdened with this information. Mostly because I don't know what to do with it. Because it's been two years since this whole thing, maybe longer. And because I had to FORCE myself to get over him. And it took a very long time. And now, I'm on the other side of it all. I'm free of the almost unbearable pull that was him, I can offer up friendship for god sakes!
But what's worse is that I don't even know if he was proposing to do more with that information that offer it to me. It felt like he was just confessing it to me in some last ditch effort to purge it from his system in order to move on.
Whatever the reason, I feel like I have this package now. And truly, I don't know what to do with it. Do I put it away, in the back of my closet and hope to forget about it? Do I return it? Do I put it on the table by my bed and just look at it and wonder what the fuck to do with it for the next two years?
I don't know.
But I do know that I sent him a text yesterday and called him today and neither of those attempts at communication were reciprocated so perhaps the package was empty after all and I should try and forget the moments in which it was given to me as well as all of the things that led to its very existence.
Or maybe I am jumping the gun and in a few hours I will receive a phone call to which I won't know how to respond.

Labels: Being a Chic, Mr. I, My pathetic excuse for a love life

Labels: At work

Labels: Amanda, Chica, cockatiels, Triniti

Eh.
Yeah I am so totally "eh"- I am neither inspired nor enthused.
I feel crowded.
And being crowded makes me so very cranky.
And if I feel crowded at home, then I feel even more crowded at work.
I need like a week off somewhere remote without people to bother me. I need to be alone. I need to have time with my brain and thoughts and ideas without other people in my space. Without distractions.
How much does that cost?

In other news, we had such a great Thanksgiving. I got to spend the whole day with The Cake Lady which is sooooo nice since we hardly get to see each other anymore. Add to that the fact that peeling potatoes was the extent of my laboring on Turkey Day and I am a pretty happy camper :) I drank a bunch of Butterbeer and took a bunch of pics with my new camera (which is ridiculously rad in case you were wondering). The Cake Lady was super nice and explained what a bunch of the buttons are on my new Nikon so I feel a little more informed now. I mean, how the heck is a girl to know what ISO setting she wants when she doesn't even effing know what an ISO is?

Pics are, as they have always been, here.
In case more than one browser window seems like it could just be too much for you today, I'll show you a few of my favorites. You know, because I'm cool like that :)

Here is Trin & Evan. This was the third or fourth shot I had taken of them in a row and Evan picked up that peice of cheese and held it up saying "cheese" when I shot it. Too adorable.


I think if you are very very nice to The Cake Lady (or have been friends with her for like ten years) or if you give her like two point five million dollars (picture me holding my pinky up to my mouth and saying that in my best Dr. Evil voice), she might make you these scones. These cranberry orange scones. These scones that are so freaking amazing you could have a gallon sized bag full of them, stuffed full of them and you still won't share not even one.


My brother has this weird thing about him where whenever you try to take his picture, he puts on some retarded face. This happens in every. picture. I. take. of. him. We are having a study conducted by many medical professionals.


I love the looks on their faces. Emilee looks like she is all No, I'm not taking his money.... And Craig looks like he is all, help, she is taking all of my money.


I swear this picture wasn't staged. Evan threw a toy up on the roof and The Cake Lady's husband had Craig grab the ladder to get it down. And then all the kids decided to dangerously take the ladder back to the shed. I just happened to have my camera when it all happened. That's all.
Blue Jeans - 6
Khakis - 2


My lovely little sister came down for Turkey Day and hung out. She was thoroughly enamored with my new camera and absconded with it several times when she went to visit friends. Here she is with Trin Trin.


Fairy has a similar affliction as my brother. Only instead of busting out her best Zoolander face like my brother does, she just covers her face and runs away. She loathes and abhors having her picture taken. It took much threatening and bribing to get her to hold still for this shot of her and her son.


I know ya'll must be getting tired of these pictures of my baby cockatiels. But I can't help it. I am grotesquely fascinated with them. They are so hideous and yet so raw. They are little birdies, you know? Usually you don't get to see them so young and as gross as it is, I am enthralled. Here is Woodstock. He is about two weeks old...


The Saturday after Thanksgiving, for the first time in my parenting career, I actually got the Christmas tree and decorations out. For the first time since becoming a Mommy, I didn't wait until rightbeforeChristmas to let the girls put the decorations. The girls did pretty much all of it which allowed me to take pictures of the whole ordeal.













And finally, this cool pic of Trin :)


Which was retouched by the amazing DB.

Labels: Amanda, Being a Chic, Being Mommy, Christmas, Emilee, Noah, Ruthie, Thanksgiving, Triniti