I've heard there was a secret chord That David played, and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do you? It goes like this The fourth, the fifth The minor fall, the major lift The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Your faith was strong but you needed proof You saw her bathing on the roof Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you She tied you To a kitchen chair She broke your throne, she cut your hair And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Maybe I've been here before I know this room, I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah Hallelujah, Hallelujah
There was a time you'd let me know What's real and going on below But now you never show it to me do you? Remember when I moved in you? The holy dark was moving too And every breath we drew was hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Maybe there's a God above And all I ever learned from love Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you It's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
That evening, after the movie? I think it was a movie... It happened before I started this blog which is hard for me to imagine because it feels like I've had this blog all of my life. We had taken your car and left mine in a parking lot. I don't remember where we went or what we talked about but I remember that nervousness that is so fun in the beginning. The butterflies in my stomach, the anticipation. I remember riding in your car. I remember being excited. When we got back to the parking lot where my car was, we stayed near your car for awhile, we talked, we kissed, we laughed. You told me I made you nervous. Do you remember that? I remembered it this morning when I was drying my hair and getting ready for work. I just had this flash and there I was, kissing you good night and watching you drag your hand through your hair looking almost exasperated, me asking you what was wrong, you admitting that I made you nervous. At the time, I didn't think it was possible for there to be anything more absurd. You, this big snuggly guy who made my every nerve stand on end being nervous about little old me.
As with all things in life, I blame this on my mother. hehehe No, seriously, she is at the house... been there since before Christmas. And I've been sick since LAST Tuesday. And I am lazy. And I am desk shopping. That takes a lot of time you know... choosing the desk that I am going to write my novel/screenplay on... And I haven't had sex in a year and a half. Oh yeah, and Facebook. I have started about fifteen posts and they are all rubbish. Which I blame on the Robitussin/NyQuil cocktail I've been on for a week. I love you. Hang in there.
Everything she sees she says she wants. Everything she wants I see she gets.
That's my daughter in the water everything she owns I bought her Everything she owns. That's my daughter in the water, everything she knows I taught her. Everything she knows.
Everything I say she takes to heart. Everything she takes she takes apart.
That's my daughter in the water every time she fell I caught her. Every time she fell. That's my daughter in the water, I lost every time I fought her. I lost every time.
Every time she blinks she strikes somebody blind. Everything she thinks blows her tiny mind. That's my daughter in the water, who'd have ever thought her? Who'd have ever thought? That's my daughter in the water, I lost everytime I fought her Yea, I lost every time
I have a tendency to make things out to be more in my head. I have a fabulous imagination and it likes to run. I think it's why I don't like to run. My imagination does enough running for the both of us. So, recently, I've been trying to be more of fact girl. Facts are good. Facts are truth. Facts are cold and hard. It's hard to argue with the facts. And that's a fact. [Sorry, it's early and I haven't had any coffee yet. In fact, let's just make that a blanket apology for this entire post.] So, in the past, I've often made things from this place called Reality where everyone likes to hang out just a tad more sparkly in my head. What can I say? I can put some spin on shit in my head. And sometimes, when I'd be retelling a story about a night out with a pretty boy, I'd have to ask myself if he really said it like that or if afterwards when I was mentally putting it on paper, the wannabe author in me made it that way. Uhm, wannabe author wins out almost every time. I can't help it. Reality is this very un-fairy tale like place. Boys don't always say the right thing at the right time. They hesitate and watch other chics cruise by and quite frankly these boys in Reality don't hold a candle to the guys from my sparkly imagination. But, I did make myself stop glorifying relationships after Mr.I. I may have let my imagination run away with me because that is how I am wired. I may have heard things I wanted to hear and not the things that were actually there and said. But now, the Reality KHE knows that to do that only leads to a lot of dissapointment. A. Lot. So now, I am all about the facts. I am all about the cold hard facts. And so while I want to take that look in someone's eye and give it this fantasy explanation, I feel like the look I see is like 3% and the words coming out of their mouth is 97%. This is a huge step for me. This Reality thing. This words thing. This not letting my imagination run away with me thing. It's new and tricky. And honest. I still give my imagination free reign to run all it wants right before I go to sleep, but during the waking hours I try and pay a little more attention to the facts. I'm not sure it's going so well right now. But I'm trying.
I'm not looking for trouble. I'm taking one on the chin I don't know where I'm going, or where to begin Alone in this room, thinking of you, and what could've been The trouble that I've seen, the trouble got to me
And there's no signs of life in here, at all The sound of quiet is deafening, I'll wait for you to call And there's no signs of life in here, at all All the trouble that I've seen, the trouble Won't get the best of me
A la la la la la, A la la la la la, A la la la la la la
Sending you out a signal, over land, over sea From the top of the Great Lakes, down the Mississippi Alone in a room, thinking of you and those possibilities The trouble that I've seen, this trouble got to me
And there's no signs of life in here, at all The sound of quiet is deafening, I'll wait for you to call And there's no signs of life in here, at all All the trouble that I've seen, the trouble All the trouble that I've seen, the trouble Won't get the best of me
And there's no signs of life in here, at all The sound of quiet is deafening, I'll wait for you to call And there's no signs of life in here, at all All the trouble that I've seen, the trouble All the trouble that I've seen, the trouble Won't get the best of me
when things don't go the way you thought they would
The bottom fell out of the evening pretty quickly yesterday. The guy I was supposed to have the date with called my co-worker to get everything set up yesterday morning but my co-worker was super busy and couldn't get back to him until it was too late in the day for my date to be ready and to meet us. So, no big deal. I'd already decided that if I was going to be dateless, then that would be cool. However, when I got to co-worker's house, they said that the boy from the drama was going to be riding with us. Which was pretty much the exact opposite of how I had wanted things to go. Luckily boy from the drama was busy with his family and couldn't leave until we did so he ended up riding on his own. When we got to the party, I was flagged by my boss who had a seat saved for me, which was great because nothing sucks worse than being at some random table with people who I don't even know. Then I won a fucking 32" Sony Flatscreen TV. Seriously. How cool is that? We had dinner and the boy with the drama showed up... after we ate, they were doing casino night which was really cool because we usually just hang out and chat and dance... I love activities :) Although, I must admit - I am no gambling queen. I don't even know how to play most of the games... I played roulette a few times but mostly just mingled. It ended up that the boy with drama was by my side for the majority of the evening and we even danced a few times. Yup, you read that right. Danced. Oh Wine, what you do to me. Then I was dancing with the wives. They came and got me from outside when Single Ladies came on. And, an aside, none of us knew how to do the thriller dance. Note to self - Learn Thriller dance. At the end of the night when the boy with the drama was starting to get a little too friendly, I took him outside to have a chat with him. I pretty much told him that he isn't serious about dating me so this whole pretending to be bit needs to stop. I told him that if we didn't work together it would be different. If we didn't work together, I would probably hookup with him. BUT we do work together and it is just enough already. He got uber defensive and acted like I was listening to what other people had to say about him and not giving him a fair chance. But then he had to admit that he knew damn well that we weren't going to start dating seriously which negated the rest. When I left, he was pretty pissed. I, on the other hand, got one of the guys to load up the tv I won and cart it outside to the car and I left with a big ol' smile on my face. I had a good time, I looked fantastic, I didn't make an ass too big of an ass out of myself and I, even under the influence of a bottle of wine, did not hook up with anyone. I'm such a good grown up :) Oh and the date I didn't get to go with? We are in the process of setting up a New Year's Eve dinner.
After a spattering of dreams I struggled to remember every time they woke me up, I got up to let the four legged beasties outside to do their respective things and made myself a cup of coffee using my new french press. Let me tell ya, having a tendency to break all things glass, including coffee carafe.. is it called a carafe? Anyway, it does make it to where I get to try a new coffee maker roughly once a year. And as tempted as I am to buy one of those new fangled coffee makers where in all you do is add a little creamer-from-the-gas-station looking container and water and voi-effing-la you have a dang latte, I have a fear that I will run out of the little container thingies and there won't be a back up place in which I can just put regular coffee grounds and the world as I know it will cease to exist because I can't have any coffee and I live in the country, a million miles away from a Starbucks. Holy run-on sentence, Batman. I had good dreams last night which is why every time I woke up, I wanted to get back into them or pick them apart and dissect them for the purposes of either 1. my enjoyment or 2. my novel. However, neither ended up being the case because I shopped for FIVE HOURS yesterday people and my ass was tired. [An aside - I want to be a bone fide writer so. very. badly. One of the things I am putting into place after Christmas is getting my room rearranged.. ok... OKAY! and CLEANED. And getting a desk in there. I have a bulletin board already in there that I can use for my note cards and whatever else I feel like I need to have physically in front of me. I already have the software I was planning to use to map everything out. And most importantly, MOST. IMPORTANTLY. I have this fabulous idea that I have been chewing on for a couple of months now and I have finally figured out the general beginning to end and now I just need to discover my characters and decide whether their story wants to be a book or a screenplay because it could go either way in my head.] note to self - work on using less run-on sentences. I woke up this morning at seven forty-five, even though I swore all week I would be sleeping until at least ten on Saturday. But the combination of the doggies needin' to pee and my being a little excited about my new french press had me headed to the kitchen instead of my room once I released the critters. So, now for why you are all here... I have a date tonight. Most likely. Co-Worker boy called one of his friends, his name is Tim, and asked him if he wanted to go to our regional company Christmas party with yours truly and Tim, apparently being a gambling man, said sure. I know very little about him except that he lives about an hour from me (even more in the country than I do), he owns his own construction company, is in his mid to late twenties, is roughly five foot ten and is apparently pretty good looking. My co-worker also said he was kind of a hermit, not a guy who goes out often as he'd rather be home. The fantasy/conclusion I have drawn from that last little tidbit of information is that the dude is much like me in that regard. In my mind, he works hard and when he isn't working he likes to be able to enjoy what he has worked hard for. I am a hermit in exactly the same way. If my assumption about him is correct. Given that he opted to join us for an evening out in San Antonio shows that he isn't a total hermit but again, like me, doesn't often have plans on a Saturday night. OMG-I am having a flashback to another party where I went with a blind date. Scratch that, where I met a blind date at the party. It was when I worked at Fantasy Disco Ford and it was awful. So awful in fact, that the guy I was supposed to hang with bailed because I kept blowing him and his friend off. Oh Universe, please do not make tonight suck. Thank you. So, I am a little excited. I am excited in a reserved way. I am trying not to get my hopes up because it could be a total flop. I have already fantasized that he is the perfect man. I bought the cutest new boots and top. That is the thing about dating. It's much like gambling. You throw a quarter into the machine and either it spits out more quarters, all the quarters or nothing. And I have been on one hell of a losing streak lately and while I am trying to have a positive outlook about the whole thing, I am also trying to stay grounded so I don't get upset if it is nothing more than a night out with a dude who I can cross of my Potential List.
No, seriously. I haven't even emailed anyone about this yet. YOU are the first to know. Well, besides me... I was technically the first to know. :-) Soooooooo, I may have a date tomorrow. The Universe keeps throwing men at me. Granted, they haven't been quality men, but they've been men so there's that.
This morning, the dude from a couple of posts ago actually asked me if we were going to tomorrow's party together. As if. Sorry, I was feeling a little nineties there... THEN he tried to make it out like I ditched him last weekend. Even said that was why he left early. What. Ever. So now, I am being set up... which is only a slight bit better. But I know WAHS will be pleased as she is always trying to get me to poke around and get set up through friends. WAHS, I hold you personally responsible for this. :-) We'll see. May not even pan out.. probably will though since the person trying to set me up has TWO people in mind. A couple of days ago, I was seriously considering not going and instead remaining in my PJs and wrapping presents while watching Love Actually for the nine-hundredth time.
The thing is, I am not old. I am not cranky. I am not desperate. I am not ungrateful. I am not high maintenance. And I am not stupid.
I happen to be a pretty smart chic. And I am fun and even funny. And happy. And loyal. And most importantly, I am honest.
I didn't go to the party with him. The entire week leading up to the party, he barely said three words to me. I had a feeling something wasn't right... and by the end of the week, I'd heard that he had invited someone else to the party that we have on the 19th. The same party he'd already asked me to go to with him. I was convenient. That was all. And he didn't take the whole "DATE" word he used a gaziliondy times seriously. To him, I am just a girl in a sea of girls with whom he could spend time with. He doesn't see me for who I am. And quite frankly, I deserve better than that. And even more franky, I won't accept less than that. So, there was a moment of panic. What do I do? What do I say to him? How do I get out of this night that he will ruin that I would otherwise enjoy? Well, luckily, one of the wives didn't have a babysitter and asked if Amanda could sit for her. And since she is also pregnant, she asked if we could ride together since her husband was planning on drinking AND she is UBER pregnant and wasn't sure she would want to drive back. To keep things civil between the boy and myself, I texted him and asked him to meet me at the co-workers house because Amanda was babysitting for them. He called back immediately and when I told him that they wanted all four of us to ride together, he flinched. He laid some story about how he'd had a crappy week and didn't want to ride with the other couple and maybe he just wouldn't even go. I rolled my eyes and told him that it was his call. He then clicked over and said he'd really just wanted to ride with me so since he wasn't going to be able to, maybe he'd just drive himself. I told him that was stupid since he KNEW he was planning on drinking and wouldn't be fit to drive home. He then said he'd meet me over there in a half an hour. And called back ten minutes later to say he was driving himself. I let out a sigh of relief you could hear three states over. I got out of it. Without confrontation. Without being a bitch. And the thing that occurred to me lastly was that I had been about to waste an evening with someone who I NEVER would have been able to date. Do you know how often my decisions are made based around my children? Or my friends? And if dating meant I had to change that, you can keep dating. The relationships I already have are established and treasured and I am not sacrificing them for a guy I don't know that well. You've got to bend a little to date me. Have to have some understanding in that I have this life that is like 90% booked. If you can't, I can't. It's that simple. Now don't get me wrong, I know that there are things you have to sacrifice and choices that have to be made when you add any kind of relationship to your life. I know that when I get a new girlfriend, I am going to lose hours of time talking on the phone or going out for a drink or shopping. Hours that I would have been able to use for friends I already have or for my girls or for my family. But if I see something in that person that makes me want to have them as a friend, I am going to be willing to make those sacrifices to have them be a part of my life and to be a part of theirs. This guy? He wasn't worth the time because he couldn't even see me.
Last night was Amanda's winter band concert. The event's photo's looked so nice in sepia...
A few audience members...
Amanda making her entrance. GOD FORBID she look at the audience. THE HORROR.
Amanda, Camille and another girl who's name I should know but don't.
And then, magic happened, and they all smiled simultaneously.
Manders and Mille...
Sullen is the new pink...
My favorite thing about band concerts is that the girls have to put on GIRL clothes and get all prettied up :) Hopefully I will get better pics at their end of the year concert when I can take them outside AND the sun will still be up :)
1. You are too young for me. 2. I am not date-able. 3. I have three kids, I don't have time for this. 4. I should be home doing laundry and vacuuming. 5. And crocheting that baby blanket I need to finish. 6. I'm too old for you. (see 5) 7. You don't have the experience to know what you are getting yourself into. 8. This probably isn't a good idea. 9. If you are really just wanting to sleep with me, just say so. I'd be more inclined. 10. Stop saying "date", it's freaking my shit out. 11. I keep saying I want to write a book I don't think I can date and do that. 12. One day I am going to move. 13. You are too young for me. 14. I haven't had sex in over a year a half.
Goddamn him for seeming so freaking sincere about this. It would be so much easier for me to pick from my Bag Of Excuses and pass on all of this DATING stuff. So. Much. Easier. But sadly, on account of his seeming sincerity and the fact that I have An Imagination which allows forces me to consider ALL of the Happily Ever After Scenarios, I am inclined to give it a chance. But, oh buddy, let me tell you - the FIRST glimpse of a flicker of insincerity and my ass is out. Out and back on my couch at home crocheting.
Who: katehopeeden Where: San Antonio, Texas
Yeah, so I am all that you see here.
I am friendly and kind, crazy and bitchy, playful and flirty...
sometimes I am funny but mostly I just write the first thing that comes to mind and then stop when it ends.
I love life and I am lucky to be living the one that I am.
Want to know more? Click here!
"The most wasted day is one in which we have not laughed"
"Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while you might miss it."
"Guys are like stars, there's a million of them out there but only one of them can make your dreams come true."
"Don't spend your life with someone you can live with, spend it with someone you can't live without."
"Reach for the moon, even if you miss you will still land among the stars"
These are a work in progress.
They are in the right order, but more will fill in the blank spaces in time as I write them.
"I just got done reading the history lessons on your blog (yes, I've been lurking on your blog).
All the respect I had for you...has increased, like, tenfold.
I don't think I could have done it.
To go through what you have and not only still be able to discuss it with such wit and poise,
but also to raise those three gorgeous girls. You are truly an inspiration.
You are honestly one of the strongest people I have ever known, either online or IRL.
Thank you so much." -Stef
"There are some of us out here who are living vicariously through you, okay?!
So for god's sake, let us have some fun and excitement!" -Educated Liberal
