Monday, February 28, 2005
Ever been stung by a Scorpion?
I was retelling this story for a co-worker and thought I would share it here. Now, for those of you who don't know what a Scorpion is, let me enlighten you. A Scorpion is an evil demon sent by the devil to inhabit Texas and inflict god-awful pain upon anyone dumb enough to get with in ten square feet of it's evil stinging tail of death. It looks like this:
Only you should imagine snarling and hissing sounds....and glowing eyes...
So, it was July here in the great state of Texas. For those of you who don't know, July in Texas is the heat equivalent of chicken being dropped into grease to fry. The term 'hotter than hell' refers to Texas. I am a poor pathetic girl without AC in my room. Normally this is fine as I do not get hot and a fan is sufficient. The AC is in the girls room and the living room. However, on this particular night it was very hot. So much so that I had chunked all of my blankets on the floor and was doing the sheets only and wasn't even covered up. It was hot enough to keep you from falling asleep all the way because you were on the verge of sweating. I had contemplated going and sleeping with one of the girls but had decided against it as I didn't want to move my alarm clock.
So I am just dozing off when I feel something crawl onto my leg. Let me clarify for you. I was laying on my stomach in a t-shirt and boxer shorts almost asleep. It crawled onto the very top part of my leg, directly under my ass. I knew immediately what it was because of the way it moved. Spiders move much faster and aren't as large. So, rather than jump up and scream, I opted to lay still and wait for it to climb off of me and then haul ASS off of the bed. However the demon had different ideas. It's idea was to sit on my leg and wait for morning. Little fucker.
After about five agonizing minutes I had formulated what seemed like a good plan. My plan was to reach around behind me and knock the scorpion off of my leg and jump out of the bed, it seemed fool-proof at the time. It wasn't. You'll notice in the picture that scorpions have pinchers, little crab like claws. In case you were wondering, they do use these.
The next twenty seconds played out like this. I reach behind me psyching myself out and go to flick off the demon. The demon stings me about six inches away from my ass, then grabs hold of my forearm. I bounce out of bed and fling the demon, but not before he stings me twice more on my forearm. Considering that the sting of a scorpion is one of the most painful things in the world, I am proud to say that I didn't scream. It must have been all the practice I have had with pain... You know, like childbirth.
So, I run into the living room and wake my mother (who was there to watch the kids for me the next day). I am crying. She jumps up and comes with me into my room to help me find the beast. We strip my bed and get EVERYTHING off of the floor. No demon. My mom goes into the bathroom and is trying to help me find something to stop the pain and my whimpering. When I turn around, she says and I quote "ok, don't freak out"... I ask her 'what?' and she reiterates that I need to not freak out and then tells me that the demon is in my hair. OH YEAH, like I am not going to freak out!!!! I did what any mature grown up would do, I ran through the house saying 'get it off, get it off, get it off, get it off...' I think there was some flailing involved as well but, who remembers? When my mother finally convinced me to hold still she flicked the demon out of hair and onto the ground where we proceeded to stomp on him numerous times leaving no visible proof that it was ever a scorpion. In fact, the demon is now a permanent part of my floor.
I could compare the putting of ice onto my ass and arm to a cigarette after sex. My post scorpion homicide relaxation tactic. I had one hell of a head rush and was sore for days. Avoid those evil heathens by all means necessary.
~Kate
Labels: Being Retarded, my crazy life, scorpions, un-fucking-believable
She can bowl folks!
Oh, yeah! You read that right people. She can bowl. :)Friday night I went out with an assortment of people. Seven of us hit the bowling alley, after waiting for almost two hours we were finally awarded a lane. Two of our crew had to split, so we were down to five. We bowled two games, the first of which I won :) How cool is that? The second game, I came in third. Not bad seeing as how I had hurt my thumb and was on my fourth drink :) Anyway, after the game four of us went to IHOP and consumed an interesting amount of food :) Stacey was our waitress and the only reason I remember that was because Jay called her by her name every time he said anything to her. I thought that was pretty nice of him at least until he started picking on her nose. I have apparently never heard the phrase "she has two noses" before and seeing as how I was trying to hold onto the cool points I had earned by winning at bowling, I didn't ask. So, if you have heard that before, please feel free to post under comments.All of Friday night, I kept having great ideas for things to write in here. Blog-ideas... So, Saturday I bought a little memo book to keep in my purse to jot them down on as well as other various things like songs I want to download... It seems I have jinxed myself seeing as I haven't had one good idea since, lol.I hope you are all having a wonderful Monday!~Kate
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Emilee's Dreams
I don't think I posted about Emilee's dreams on here before and since I am too lazy to search through all of my entries, I will just tell you about them now.
My daughter Emilee is almost 7 (she'll be 7 in May). Towards the end of last year (starting around mid November) she started having nightmares. All of her nightmares involved some sort of death. Some incidents were a plane crashing into the daycare, being eaten by dinosaurs or giants, snakes, bats, our home exploding, someone breaking in and killing all of us, etc. You get the idea. These dreams PLAGUED my daughter for about 8 weeks. She was miserable, she couldn't sleep and she didn't want to. She was scared to sleep because she was afraid of the dream that she would have if she went to sleep.
I tried several things. I made 'Bad Dream Spray' (with glitter and body spray) and let her spray her bed down with it before going to sleep. Nothing. We got her a 'Dream Catcher', told her the story behind it. Nothing. I tried talking to her, let her talk to her counselor. Nothing. Again, you get the idea. Every night was a fight. Every night she would cry and say she didn't want to sleep. She would wake up in the middle of the night crying. I had no idea what to do.
Then Veronique died. I really thought that this would make it worse. I thought for sure that now that something her dreams were relating to had happened it would only make things worse. Death could happen to someone she loved. I was wrong. The dreams have completely stopped. I'm talking, this kid had bad dreams the night before Veronique died and has had nothing since!
Isn't that a little weird?
~Kate
Inherited Friends
When Veronique died, it seems, I inherited her friends. I now talk to no less than ten people at least once a week that I didn't know before her death. Included amongst these are a few people that live out of the country, two of her ex-boyfriends, several random female friends, several ex-coworkers and her parents. This weekend about five of her friends (myself included) are going bowling. I have been procrastinating going out with a group of her friends for the last few weeks. The idea has been brought up numerous times but I always found an excuse not to make the plans. Well, I am all out of excuses, so bowling it is.I miss her more than I can convey but I am starting to be able to sleep again and I can look at her pictures without crying and I can talk about her and laugh. I only call to hear her voicemail a few times a week now instead of every day. I miss her, I can never replace her and I will never stop missing her. But maybe that's why her friends have attached themselves to me. Maybe their company and mine in return will help ease the hurt and longing that we are all experiencing in one way or another.~Kate
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
My mother...
When I was younger, I was awe-struck by my mother. She was the epitome of independence. She was raising three kids alone. My father was in and out of the picture, but mostly out. Mom worked her ass off and stuck to her rules. There wasn't a lot of 'bonding' time between us, but she was busy and I understood that. She has always drank, for as long as I can remember there has been beer in the house.
Then, in 1994, our house burned down. The house my mom was trying to buy. The house that my mother loved and had made hers alone. The house overlooking everything beautiful that Hawaii had to offer. Everything went down hill from there. Mom sent us all to stay with friends while she tried to find her sanity and decide what to do. I feel for her, I really do. I can't imagine how hard that must have been for her. Everything that she had worked so hard to make, everything that she had earned and that she deserved was gone in one night.
She moved in with the guy she was dating, his name was David and I still to this day hate his guts. He was possibly the biggest asshole I have ever met in my entire life. He may have loved my mom or he may have just loved the idea of what my mom could be to him, but he killed what was left of her spirit either way. He took a strong independent woman and her damaged spirit and let what was left of it die. He encouraged her drinking and her dependency upon him because he knew that was the only way he could keep her. And she, with no hope left and no idea what she was going to do, leaned on him and eventually became the dependent obedient woman he wanted all the while drowning her sanity in alcohol. She has never been the same.
She moved all of us in with him and back to Texas. I was 14, Noah 12 and Ruthie 8. I moved out when I turned 15. David hated us. He didn't like kids and as far as he was concerned we should all stay in our rooms or outside, but he wanted nothing to do with us. He would ground us for asinine things (I can say this now honestly as I am a parent) just to get us out of the way. He continued to make my mother believe that she was worth nothing. He didn't allow her to work and on the few occasions that she tried he would sit where ever she was working and watch to make sure that she wasn't doing anything he disapproved of. Did I mention that I hate this man?
After I moved out, David and my mom moved to a town near San Antonio. For the next two and a half years they lived together. My siblings were miserable. My brother finally cracked and moved in with my uncle in Dallas. While trying to better his life, he had the ongoing guilt of leaving my mother and sister there. The breaking point for my mom was when she made Thanksgiving dinner and he came home and threw everything on the floor. She moved out but she wasn't the same any more. She was barely a shell of the person she had been and she was continuing to see David while not living with him. She went back to work and he sat around and watched her. And months later, when it was finally officially over, she sunk further into depression and drank even more.
She lost the house because she was too far gone to remember to pay for things or save the money for the house payment. She drank and drank. She became verbally abusive towards myself and my sister. She never remembered what she had done. I tried helping her as much as I could but she was just too far gone. Then she met Mike. Mike seemed great and she seemed happy. He wasn't like David or my father. But she sure turned that around. My opinion on this is that my mom was so full of hate and ugliness inside for both her situation and her loss of dependence that she had to project it out to feel better. She drank more and became bitter. She hated everything and the only way she could cope with so much hate was to project it outward. Her marriage with Mike dissolved and she moved back. She did ok for awhile, but Ruthie was miserable living with her because when she was ugly Ruthie was the one who had to take it. Ruthie moved in with me again a few months later.
And here we are. Ruthie lives with me and my mom floats from one place to the next. Ruthie loathes her and I don't understand her. I try to help her, to encourage her to get help but she rejects it. She wants things, I know she does. She wants to be independent again but she can't seem to make the first steps, not with pushing, not with help and not with encouragement. I don't think she can stop drinking nor do I think she wants to. She is looking at her life as a failure and is so set in that frame of mind that she doesn't think she can fix it.
She failed at being independent (in the end), her relationships and marriage failed, she has fair at best relationships with her children and she has no plans for the future. I can spend five minutes with her and find 10 signs of depression but she refuses to try and correct it. I want to help her but the more I am around her, the more she upsets me. She is belittling and antagonistic. She is searching for confrontation and I just want to help her become independent again. I have no idea how.
~Kate
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
No inspiration...
Is it possible to be 'blogger-blocked'??? I mean, I have had writer's block many times but to have nothing original to write about in your blog? wow
I will admit that my mind is adrift. Ever since Tempest told me about the possibility of a new (read-better) job down on the coast, I have been day dreaming. I have been looking up schools and rentals and basically jumping the gun.
HELLO! I am in sales (basically), they throw pitches like that all the time. Getting too jazzed about something that seems too good to be true is generally not a good idea. I am just enamored with something better. I love my job and I have great friends and my kids go to a good school, but I want more... everyone does. I want more money, a bigger place, a better job, a spectacular school.
I am lacking in patience. I am ready, throw me an offer and make it something I can't refuse and I am there. I will move, start over and start better. Most of the time, I am content. I should be, I have worked incredibly hard to make it by myself and to make it well enough that I am happy. I am a good mother and I do that alone. I support my children without help from either ex. I work hard at my job to learn and excel. Am I just ready for some rewards for all of it? Maybe, but what is wrong with that? I want to pad my bank account a little so the next time someone says I can go to Puerto Rico with them, I can take it seriously. ~Kate
Monday, February 21, 2005
My virtual self...
Happy Monday readers. I hope you all had a very nice weekend. I'd like to introduce you to my virtual self [photo long since dissapeared from cyberspace]
This is supposed to be me... It doesn't look like me at all to be honest, but hey. I stumbled across a website this morning for creating a virtual model of yourself for trying on virtual clothes. So you can see what you look like in those jeans before buying them :) Several major websites are adopting this virtual model concept and adding it to their sites.
There. I have done my virtual good deed of the day by sharing my info on the virtual model :P
~Kate
Sunday, February 20, 2005
So my phone rings at 2am....
Last night, I took my daughters out for a movie and dinner (which we smuggled into the movie). We saw Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events. It was pretty darn good if you ask me. We had originally intended to also go bowling, but it wasn't possible with the amount of time we had. I have to admit, when I spoke to Mr. I earlier in the day I asked him if he'd like to go with us. My kids already know him and know that we are just friends and I enjoy his company. OK, shuttup! I realize I shouldn't have asked him, but something is wrong with my brain, sue me. Anyway, he declined. He said he had a paper to write and stuff to do at home (laundry etc). I called Jiffinner at work when I realized that the time the movie started and the time that she got of coincided, she said she wanted to go with us. So, the four of us snuck Whataburger and Taco Bell into the movies :) The movie was good, sort of disappointing when you realize that there isn't really an ending, but Jiffinner informed me that there is to be more movies as it was based on a series of books (which I now have to buy of course)...
Anyway, the movie was nice. Having Jiffinner there was nice. And the girls went straight to bed when we got home which is ALWAYS nice :) So, I took advantage of having my kids go to bed without a fight and I hit the hay at around 10:30. Imagine my surprise when my phone rings at 2am. Of course, I had no idea it was 2am... I just knew three things: 1. My phone was ringing. 2. I was asleep. 3. It was playing Modest Mouse's We'll All Float On so it was Mr. I. I answered in my I'm asleep voice. I wish I could tell you what was said, but to be honest, I can't remember. We talked for about twenty minutes before he finally got tired and said he was going to sleep. I do remember him saying he had went out to eat with his cousin, the same cousin he told me he had spoken with about he and I. Maybe that was why he called. Maybe they again had a conversation about he and I and so he had me on the brain when he got home.
The thing that I hate about Mr. I is that he doesn't follow any of the rules that I have so painstakingly learned through all of my relationships with men. When he calls me 25 times a day, it doesn't mean he can't stop thinking about me. When he and I sleep together after six weeks of not having seen each other and he tells me that he 'missed this', it doesn't mean anything. When he looks at me like he can see exactly what I am feeling, it doesn't mean anything. When he knows what I am thinking without my having even mentioned it, it doesn't mean anything. And finally, when he calls me at 2am just to talk, it doesn't mean anything.
~Kate
Labels: Being a Chic, Being Mommy, Mr. I, My pathetic excuse for a love life
Saturday, February 19, 2005
To move or not to move...
To move or not to move... That has been the question. When Veronique and I went to the coast for Turkey Day, the idea of me moving back down there was brought up. As it happened, Tempest misses me terribly and her husband has said that he would like to have me back down there so she has her best friend closer. Veronique had said that if I decided to, that she would transfer to a school down there. And the icing on the cake? Tempest's husband said that he was friends with a guy down there who works for a dealership. Talk about an ambush, that hit every line of defense I had. I told all involved that I would think about it. When the school that my daughters attend showed how poorly they were educating Emilee, I decided I needed to find a place to move where the school system is better. Then, along came December and the biggest month for sales and I put it all out of my head... until last night.Last night Tempest calls. I am talking about some new things I am doing at work and she interrupts me. She says she has to tell me something because she will forget. She says that her husband talked to the guy at the dealership and that he is wanting to offer me a job for 125% more than I making right now. Just based on what her husband told him! So, I don't care if I am jumping the gun on being excited and I don't even care if I jinx it (because if I do, it wasn't meant to happen)... WHY? Because, that is how good I am people. I am that good at my job. I know that I am, but sales - especially car sales, is a fickle business. Employees often bounce from one dealership to another and back. I am not into playing that game. I want a stable job for a few years, not months. Especially if I am going to move my family three hundred miles away, to a new school and a new life.I won't lie though. I deserve that kind of money and I will take it if it's presented correctly. So, cross your fingers for me friends... I may be moving to the coast.~Kateps. I just read my horoscope:Whatever you've been trying to accomplish over the past several months, Kate, could break loose just the way you want it to today. It could come as a total surprise, and might resemble a logjam that's finally given way. Nonetheless, this is your good fortune, and you and those who have been in the trenches with you deserve a few accolades. When it's all set in stone, go out and celebrate. You've certainly earned the right!
Friday, February 18, 2005
It's Friday baby!
Oh, I just *love* Fridays! End of the week, don't have to turn my alarm on tonight when I got bed... Can stay up as late as I want without being exhausted tomorrow.
-sigh-
So, speaking of alarms... guess who didn't turn hers on last night? Uh, yeah, that would be me. So, I woke up at EXACTLY 7:30 this morning. A full hour late. Needless to say, I was fifteen minutes late to work and I had to have my sister take my kids to school. I hate over sleeping. Oh well.
There's something I've never mentioned here and realized this morning that I needed to. I absolutely adore these guys I work with. I know I have said before that I think car salesmen are given a bad name and that if every one really knew all the crap that they go through and deal with that they wouldn't be so quick to judge them. This morning, two of our salesmen were sitting in the other room talking about the chili cook off that we are having at the dealership today. This is something that we have every year and it is some heavy competition. These guys stay up all night making their special chili and the whole dealership participates. Anyway, two of them were talking today and I overheard a conversation that went like this:
#1 "So, did you make any chili for the cook off?"
#2 "Bet your ass! You're gonna love it. Backstrap chili."
#1 "Soandso has been cooking his for three days"
#2 "Hmmmmmmm..."
#1 "Seems to me like that should be more of a stew than a chili..."
#2 "Well, now, that may be true..."
These guys are insinuating that another salesman is cheating because he cooked his chili for three days! LOL. I love it. They are really some sweet guys. Our GM had his birthday yesterday and his mom made a huge cake and brought it up here for him. One of the salesman came over here with a piece for Jiffinner and I and we never even asked him... or knew about the cake for that matter. How sweet is that?
And it isn't just the salesmen. They guys in rental are great too. At least once a week one of the guys from rental picks me up at my car and drives me to my department. For no other reason than just to be nice. The rental manager and I have been friends the entire time I have worked here and his is a friendship I really treasure. Here is a guy who will call me up and say 'Good morning, sunshine!' How can that not make you smile?
All right, I'm off guys. My manager just asked me to make a newsletter-from scratch!
Isn't that a Monday assignment? lol
HAPPY FRIDAY FRIENDS!
~Kate
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Is my 'Picker' broken?
History: Probably the better part of a year ago, Tempest and I were talking about my really shitty luck with the male species. I was kind of defending my ever crumbling position when she told me "Kate, I think your Picker is broken"... The Picker she is referring to is the one I use to hone in on and choose a man with. Well how in the hell can I argue that?
I have had two actual relationships in my life. The first one (ex#1) with Amanda and Emilee's father was a tremendous failure... But, I was young and stupid and head over heels in love with the idiot... so we'll chalk it up to naivete. After five years (a long story I will save for another post), we finally parted ways. I haven't laid eyes on him since.
The second relationship was another horrendous mistake. The only good things that came from that 3 year nightmare were Triniti and experience. I learned a lot about myself and about relationships. I learned that I don't need a man to survive or even be happy. I learned that tolerance only gets you so far and that you can't believe everything your told. Most importantly, I learned that I deserve SO much more.
Since then? Well, I have 'dated' a few men worth mentioning. I journal, so I quick glance through some old journals took me back. One in particular was an interesting situation. I had a crush on this guy who we'll call 'M'. I met M many years ago and was enamored. Goodness gracious this was one hot guy (so what? I can be superficial. Sue me.). I'm talking I had dreams about him for two years before I saw him again. This was the first and only time I have ever considered a man to be out of my league. EVER. After ex#2 and I split, I started a friendship with M never expecting more than that and to be honest I was happy to have some friendly eye candy :) The thing I am getting at is that M and I eventually entered a stage that was more than friendship and I ran, fast. He is telling me everything I thought I wanted to hear and I am bolting.
In retrospect, I know that he and I wouldn't have worked. But, why is it that I am attracted to guys that I can't have and when they want me, I bail? Or worse, the ones that I want are bad for me. It is like some kind of downward spiral of self sacrifice. Yeah, here's my heart... Oh, you don't want it? That's ok, take it anyway and squash it.
Mr. I is a perfect example of this particular dating trend. Tempest told me flat out, two weeks in, that the only reason I wanted him was because I couldn't have him. And if he were to want me, I would be gone in a blink of an eye. Well, if the past if proof, she is right. Some little neuron in my brain is set to 'flee mode' as soon as anything serious is presented.
I'd like to think that it is gut reaction or that I just know that it isn't what I really want or that it wouldn't work out. Of course, that brings up questions like: Why am I dating them in the first place? Am I setting myself up for failure? Do I not really want anything serious anyway?
Oh, I wish it was the last one. My dating life would be so much less complex if I could grasp and accept the no strings situations. If I could cut myself off emotionally and enjoy a physical/friendship type relationship without them wanting more...
I still stick by my idea that being part of a couple is something that society ingrains into your head. Making you feel like you aren't a whole person unless you are two people. We can't help longing for another human who loves us and we love in return because we're supposed to.
I have no idea where I am going with this, but I would love to hear your POV on it...
~Kate
utterly and hopelessly confused
Labels: Mr. I, My pathetic excuse for a love life
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
What's your porn name?
Ok, I am shamelessly stealing this idea from another blog (that I highly recommend btw)...I was reading Crossed Wires (as I do, pretty much daily) and he had an entry that said your porn name would be the name of your first pet and the street you grew up on. Mine wasn't very good. My first cat's name was Henrietta Pussycat, which is fine alone but loses it's luster when you add 'Lantana' to the end of it (the road I lived on as a child)... So readers, I want to hear your porn names -grin-... You can post it under comments or email it to me here and I will post it for you :)~Kateaka Henrietta Pussycat Lantanabtw Jiffinner, you have to post yours!
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Cute boy at the gym...
LOL.. I think that is a repeat title :)Ok, so my sister and I went to the gym together last night. I told her when we got there that if there were any guys, they were single. She was like how do you know that?... I told her it was V-day and any guy with a chica at home would be doing something with her. So we get inside and I am glancing around to see if I can find cute-boy... Then it dawns on me, I have no friggen idea what this guy looks like! C'mon! It was like three weeks ago. So, he may have been there, may not have been. There was no one frequenting the water machine which I had to take because there were only two machines open. Death Machines are apparently getting more popular, lol. So, there was one guy in there I recognized. Kinda cute, I thought, Ruthie said no. LOL Hopefully I'll recognize him when I see him again. But if he wasn't there, maybe he has a girly at home... ~Kate
Monday, February 14, 2005
I am angry...
Maybe it was just a bad day for me to run across this post... Maybe I am just sick and tired of hearing single parents bashed. Or maybe I can't believe that one of our own (so to speak) is knocking us. But when I read this today, it pissed me off. Upon reading a post to one of the single parent boards I frequent about a single 29 year old woman considering adopting a child (she is unable to have her own), I was thinking about what to write and reading the other responses when I read this:"OK....I'm going give you the well-balanced single Dad's perspective...remember, you asked for advice.
How incredibly selfish you are.
I would not wish a single parent family on my worst enemy's child, let alone my own. It is the next worst thing (the worst is two parents that don't care) for a child. As good of a mother that you think you might be for that child, you would not be as good as the two parent family that that baby deserves. There isn't day goes by that I don't wonder how this situation will hurt my children in some way.
Single parenting is (at best) a nightmare. Constantly balancing the needs of your child against your job, your home. (Notice I didn't mention you in that phrase.) Your life doesn't just change...your life (as you know it) is over...forever. The mere fact that you want to purposefully subject a child to a single parent life tells me that you are not mature enough to handle it and don't have a clue.
My advice to you....grow up...get married to a nice man, get your life together established...THEN consider taking on the responsibility of a child.
CL's... you are free to remove this post, admonish or banish me, as you see fit.
Board members...you are free to trash me....but my position stands.
An extremely irritated... -insert name here-"Well set me on fire. Who in the hell does this guy think he is? He blatantly insults an entire board of great parents? The very parents he comes to for advice?? In my (as he points out in his next post) not expert opinion, he is bitter and upset with the hand he was dealt and that is fine. Resent your ex, resent your situation, but don't insult all the single parents in the world because you are unhappy! This is one of the things that I will toot my own horn for. I am a damn good mom. The type of mother I am is exactly the type that I want to be. I don't resent my exes or my children or my situation because I am happy and happy to do the things I do every day. Being a mother defines me in so many ways. I love my kids, I love my life... even the not so great parts. I loathe people that accuse single parents of ruining their kids' lives because they are deprived of a two-parent household. Excuse me??? I understand that every situation is different and that yes there are parents that aren't good parents (be them single or married) but to generalize groups of parents based on your opinion is just rude.Sorry guys, needed to vent!~Katemeandmrt asked me to post this, she doesn't have a blogger id :)meandmrt says: OMG!!!!!! I could just spit I'm so livid right now....WHO IS THIS GUY?!?!? I think about the poor children that would give anything to be in a HOME, with someone who WANTS to love them and WANTS to care for them, vs. the Foster parents who only want the check...or the orphanage that has 1 "Dictator" for every 25 kids.... I am a much better parent W/O [ex] around then I was with him there.... for the simple reason that I don't take out my anger with [ex] out on [son]... have 1 less person to clean up after, which allows me more time with my child..... I just don't know what to say...I'm speechless for once in my life.....
Oh yeah, Happy Valentine's Day.
I am all bah-humbug today. Triniti isn't feeling to hot, so she is staying at home with Grandma today. I still took her valentines to daycare as well as the cookies I promised to bring. The lady at daycare asked where Trin was and I told her she wasn't feeling well. The lady said something like awww, that's too bad... she will miss out on Valentine's day. You know what I said?? C'mon guess. I said 'Oh well, she had better get used to spending Valentine's day at home'! I am such a bitch! lol Anyway, if you are enjoying it, Happy Valentine's Day. If not, welcome to the club :) Post and let me know :)
~Kate
Pondering the mouthwash…
So, last night, I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth before I went to bed and I opened the cabinet. There it is, the symbol of my relationship with Mr. I, the giant bottle of blue mouthwash. He brought it several months ago and never took it home with him. He said that he needed it for in the mornings when he left straight from my house to work. It is similar to a burning flame in my eyes. As long as it sits on my shelf, he is coming back. The last time he came over, I was surprised he left it because I felt like we both knew this wasn’t going to last much longer. He had said a couple of times that he was out at home and needed to grab it. We both got up the next morning and went to work. When I got home that night, I checked the cabinet. There it was, still sitting on the shelf. We’ve never said it out loud, but we both know that when he takes it home he won’t be coming back.
I could always bring it up here and give it to him, my way of ending things. He would know what it meant. Of course, sneaking mouthwash up here and then finding someway to give it to him discreetly doesn’t seem very possible.
It makes me wonder how he would handle it though. He told me once that if I started sleeping with someone else that he and I probably couldn’t be friends anymore. I told him that wasn’t fair. That he has a girl friend that he will one day sleep with. (hmmm, weird that he still hasn’t huh? Is he waiting for me to find someone else first?) He told me several months ago that my dating other guys really bothered him. That he was jealous. I told him he couldn’t have his cake and eat it too. Pick a girl, any girl. But pick one.
But why do I keep the mouthwash? Why don't I throw it away or give it back? Am I clinging to some hope that he will suddenly wake up and realize something? That he'll call me and tell me he has broken up with her and realized he is deeply in love with me?? He won't. I know that. (Don't I?) Maybe I keep it for the same reason that the dumped girl keeps the movie stub. To remember the relationship. Either way, it sits there and reminds me of a lost relationship. Who knew that mouthwash was capable of that, lol.
~Kate
Labels: Mr. I, My pathetic excuse for a love life
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Saturday...
Good morning friends. Let me tell you why it is a good morning :)
1. It is Saturday and I have only been awake for about twenty minutes (it's 10:50). Waking up at 10:30 isn't unheard of, but incredibly unlikely when two of my three daughters were up at 6! Six o'clock people! I can't get them up at 6:20 on a school day! But, there they were, six am telling me that they wanted to watch a movie. Ug. My only clear thoughts were that it was six am, so I should disown them. And that if they were to turn on the TV in their room they would surely wake up their sister. So, being the trooper that I am, I gave them my room and moved to Emilee's bed.
2. Now this is the big one, ya'll. I was alone last night. My mother spent the night with some friends and my sister went to a birthday party... when she left, she said "I'll see you in the morning..." Ok, so here I was... with the promise that I would have my house to myself for the entire evening. All three girls were asleep. Perfect opportunity to have some company right? WRONG! I won't lie and say I didn't think about it, but I didn't even call him. So, I am very proud of myself :)
Hope you all are having a nice Saturday... Hope it isn't too busy for you Jiffinner :)
~Kate
Friday, February 11, 2005
Dreams about past lovers...
I had a dream about a lover (EP) I used to have last night. It's strange what dreams do to you. Here is a man that I found myself content with having a purely physical relationship with, albeit short lived, and when I wake up I miss him. Why is that? Even I, with my absolute idiocy when it comes to relationships, can accept and understand that there could be nothing more than what there was between us. I've realized that I do this. That I can leave a physical relationship and still be on good terms with the guy. I can continue a friendship with them even. But then I fuck it all up by calling them when I am lonely and sleeping with them again. I KNOW that I don't want anything more from them. It's like using your friends, lol. I don't know what the equivalent would be between myself and a female friend. Maybe like... instead of buying -insert appliance-, I will borrow hers... Instead of finding a single man and trying a real relationship, I will just sleep with him. I am comfortable with him, I like him and we've had sex before. Where's the problem? The problem, friends, is that these guys don't just want to sleep with me. The guys that seem like perfect FWB (friends with benefits) candidates end up telling me a few weeks in that they have feelings for me. Am I cursed??? On the flip side, the guys I am actually interested in, aren't interested in me. Karma perhaps? As if to mirror that (or simply mirror my subconscious), in my dream there is a guy chasing me, telling me he is in love with me and I am running away. LOL, this is on my way home from EP's place.I'm a mess... But ya'll love me anyway right??lol~Kate
Thursday, February 10, 2005
I feel brave!
I did it! I bought my plane ticket to Dallas. For what? you ask... For my single parents get together! I paid for it this morning, the trip is in about six weeks. I have never been away for the weekend sans kiddos. A whole grown-up weekend. A little scary :P Anyway, I am looking forward to this trip, I have been for months now. I will finally get to meet people that I have been talking to for... wow, like a year.
~Kate
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Mundane monotony...
Ok, are you sitting down? If not, sit now. Of course, really, you should be sitting, if you are on your PC. I haven't met many a person who likes to stand in front of their system and ignore their chair. But, hey, whatever floats your boat. Anyway, are you sitting??? Good. Ok get ready. So, there I was. It was just me... kids were in bed. Mom is picking sister up from work. So there I am, all alone, trying to make the Big Decision unaided. Now, I haven't had to make a Big Decision in awhile, so I am rusty. It was tricky. Both choices had their pros and cons, but in the end, I could only choose one. Which did I choose? You are wondering... Well, I decided I'd rather watch the episode of Gilmore Girls that was already on as opposed to the recorded episode (think TIVO) that I hadn't watched last week. It all worked out, so you don't need to worry :)
Had an interesting talk with Mr. I last night about religion. I was having a bad night (emotionally) and decided to give him a call hoping conversation would bump me back up to a semi-normal state. It did. He is telling me about his history professor and how he likes to discuss religion and BANG! we were off! He talked mostly, I listened open-mindedly. He explained a lot of things to me that I didn't know about the bible and his religion. It was good, made me think... Also made me realize that he has been trying (Consciously? Subconsciously?) to convert me :) This is the second or third talk we have had very recently like this and I just picked up on it last night. Yup, I'm quick. It's fine, I enjoy listening to him and understanding his opinion and beliefs. I also don't mind his attempts as it is in his nature and I (for the most part) like his nature. And in case we have forgotten, I truly like this guy. Maybe he thinks that I will suddenly have faith and then we can have a relationship. Who knows? I just like the conversations, regardless of topic.
This morning, I got to talk to cute-boy (previously unmentioned here). I'll try and stay unspecific to protect his adorable identity. Anyway, cute-boy has a girlfriend (what is it with me and guys with GFs?) so he is off the market so to speak. But, I digress. Cute-boy and I sat here and talked for about thirty minutes about single vs. married vs. kids vs. in-a-relationship... Pros and cons of each, what the differences are, how your lifestyle changes, etc.
Discussing relationships differences? Thirty minutes of work not getting done...
Listening to cute boy talk about GF? Ten minutes of sulking...
Thirty minutes of talking to cute-boy? priceless
-insert courtesy laughs here-
Have a good day!
~Kate
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
A plan...
A plan, a sneaky, sneaky, little plan... hehehe
SOOOOO, a friend of mine, we'll call him G, came into my office. G sits down and we are chatting... I ask him if he wants to go to the gym with me on Monday night around 7. G says yeah, he'll go... that in fact he needs to be going more :) This is when I have another of those glorious thoughts (see previous post)... G (being male) can talk to other hot males and get valuable info for me (ie... married? employed? etc), thus keeping me from wasting precious flirting time on the unemployed guy with a live-in ('we're separated') girl friend... -GRIN- And in return, I can strike up conversations with whatever chic he may find cute. An even and very profitable trade. We are going to pimp out the gym...
Could be fun :)
~Kate
It's raining, it's pouring... my job is oh so boring...
When did coming to work start to bore me? It must be the rain... Because I do, truly, love my job... But the last week or so, I can't get into my groove... Hell, I can't even find my groove!
The weather? Yeah, it sucks. Welcome to The Planet of Eternal Rain and Gloom. In our gift basket you will find a rain poncho and an umbrella. We hope you enjoy your stay here and... OH LOOK! The fog has rolled in! What a special treat!
Oh well.
So, you know your boring when you are bummed out that you were too busy to read last night! Geez. When did that happen? I am actually upset that I was too busy until 11pm to read my book. Of course, by busy, I mean having a nice chat with Tempest about some hot little dude in her Karate class. So totally not fair btw. Married chics always get to spend time with the hot guys, while us single girls get to hang out with the old married guys... WTF is wrong with the universe?
Speaking of the Universe... my horoscope has royally bit for the last week or so. I am signed up to receive weekly summaries and normally something hits home. Not recently though. Just lots of generic crap. Oh well, I guess they can't put in there:
Wednesday, 2/9/05... Kate, you will be happy you got to lay in bed and read for two solid hours, only stopping to bath your kids and get them into bed.
Thursday, 2/10/05... Same as Wednesday...
What? Am I waiting for them to write and say:
Hey Kate, get up! Go do something! Get off your ass! There is a hot guy and he will be at the gas station in EXACTLY ten minutes and he will ask for your number if you leave RIGHT NOW!
lol
God, I am such a dork.
Hope it isn't raining where you are, dear reader.
~Kate
Saturday, February 05, 2005
Normalcy ensues... or attempts to anyway...
So here I am. On my PC at 10:08pm. Just finished writing one of my eligible bachelors back and thought I was fairly witty... You can see for yourself by clicking here, comments are appreciated. (And that, folks, is how you shamelessly plug your other blog... You saw it here first.)
So, let me see if I can catch you up on my idiocy. Ahhh, for starters, I forgot my mother's birthday. It is fairly easy to remember on account of it being on the first of February. Typically, I don't forget that it is coming. However, I got up and ready for work and left my mother sitting at my kitchen table without so much as a mention of her birthday. Sure, she understood, with everything going on that it may have slipped my mind. Fortunately, I remembered at... oh around lunch time. After several minutes of self depreciation, I had a glorious thought (I have these every once in awhile). I may not be the worst daughter ever if... So I grabbed my cell phone and dialed furiously, racing against time. The first ring... the second...
"Hey." -my sister
"Hey... Busy?" -me
"Not really... What's up?" -my sister
"Well, I just wanted to remind you that today is Mom's birthday..." -me
please don't say you know, please don't say you know, please don't say you already told her 'happy birthday' this morning, please, please, please -me, but all in my head
"Oh SHIT! Oh I totally forgot!!! Oh no! I was mean to her this morning!! I didn't mean to be... But I was cranky... You know how I am in the mornings!??" -my sister
Ok, yeah, so I SOOOO know how she is in the mornings! But that will have to wait for another day because???
REDEMPTION IS MINE!!! Or was, but who cares? Because I was no longer a 'bad daughter'... ok, shut up.. I know I still was, but not the worst one, right?? hehehe
Anyway, all was made right in the world when she and I both bought her several gifts and an ice cream cake. My shitty snot ball of a little brother of course remembered and called her that morning to tell her 'happy birthday'. Damn him. He gets all the brownie points this year.
I also paid several bills incorrectly. Yes, I can hear you wondering how in the HELL do you pay a bill wrong? Well, let me start by saying, you really have to be me to pull this off. It begins with an utter and complete lack of common sense. Because normal people look at their bills for things like... hmmm.... I don't know.... DUE DATES??? See, when they do this, quite often they will see that they have already PAID that bill, last month! Yup, I cut not one, not two, but three checks for the amount due on last month's bill. So, when I checked my mail the other day and saw another electric bill, phone bill, and cell bill... I was wondering to myself why?.... Well, the reason, dear reader, was that I hadn't ever received the bills I was paying. These were the bills arriving in the mail and I had already paid them, incorrectly mind you.
So, if you ever doubted it, doubt no more. I am absolutely, certifiably and completely crazy.
Hope you are having a nice weekend!
~Kate
Thursday, February 03, 2005
The last few days...
The last few days have been very hard. I thought, initially, that I was going to start feeling better as the days passed and I find that I am feeling worse. I called about some counseling and all I am finding are churches. I highly doubt that sitting around with people who all agree God has a plan is going to help me.
On the flip side, I am trying to stay busy. Procrastinating my pain? Maybe, but it's mine to procrastinate damn it. I went and saw her parents Tuesday night. I wasn't even all the way into the living room when her mother hugged me like I have never been hugged before. It was a very painful visit but one I am glad I made. They cleared up some questions I had and I think I did the same for them. She did not die on Thursday, it was Wednesday night. She died two hours after I hung up the phone with her. I was the last person she talked to.
Her parents asked me to pick out the music for her service. Since she died, I haven't been able to listen to music. I can't listen to the radio in the car or at home or at work. I couldn't tell you why, but I haven't been able to. Maybe because music is something I associate with happiness and I am not happy now. They asked me for music that she liked that was appropriate. Now here's a girl who listens to Korn and Disturbed and Godsmack. She listened to some lighter stuff to and fortunately it was mostly music I turned her on to so I knew what to choose.
The list, dear readers:
1. Staind - Epiphany
2. Guns and Roses - Don't Cry
3. Godsmack - Serenity
4. Switchfoot - You
5. Matchbox Twenty - The Difference
6. Cindy Lauper - Time After Time
7. Sarah McLaughlin - I Will Remember You
8. Tom Petty - Learning to Fly
9. Finger 11 - One Thing
I plan on going with her parents to get her things in Dallas. This is partially at their request and partially because I really think it will help me. I don't feel like I am close to her now. I don't feel like I am near her. I think being near her things might make me feel closer to her.
Her Memorial Service is tonight. Her obituary is in the paper. It's so wrong. She should be here. She should be able to call me and tell me that she is coming down in a few weeks. I want to go back to a few weeks ago when we were laying on my bed reading Why Men Can't Love and laughing at the ridiculousness of the advice. Or when we were sitting in my bathroom and she was dying my hair and telling me how great it was going to look. I want to hug her goodbye like I do everytime she leaves and tell her I love her. I want to see her playing with my daughters and laughing.
I know she wouldn't want me to dwell and to be unhappy and if she's out there somewhere then I apologize but I can't help it. I don't want it to just be me, it's supposed to be me and her.
I keep talking to people who knew her and they act as though they know me. I've never spoken to or met any of these people and they know me. They know me because she talked to them about me, because she shared me with them. I realize more and more everyday how much she cared about me and I was so lucky to have such a great friend. I would do anything to get her back.
~Kate
