Today ranked a solid 2.
Today it rained.
It wasn't raining this morning, just cloudy... But sometime during the afternoon, it began to rain.
I didn't think anything of this until I was leaving work.
When I was crutching (I've inducted the word "crutch" into my dictionary of verbs) my way to the door it suddenly occurred to me that rain plus handicap ramp equals another broken bone.
So as I stepped out onto the porch, I tentatively placed my crutch onto the wet ramp and put a little weight on it which caused the crutch to slide across the ramp.
Which caused me to curse The Universe.
So I crutched back to the door to get help but stopped because, well, what are they going to do. I turned around and the crutch I had tested the slickness of the ramp with was still wet and slid right out from under me causing me to put all of my weight onto my left foot. Which didn't hurt. Until I got to the car. (embarrassment evidentally keeps pain at bay)
And then it hurt like fucking hell.
Like it did when I first broke it.
And my ass cried.
And then came home and took a hydrocodone & watched The Polar Express with Trin.
And then when I came to get in bed, I did the exact same thing only this time without wet crutches to blame.
I have no idea how I am going to do this for weeks. Maybe months.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Labels: At work, Being Mommy, Health, mobile blogging, My broken foot, organization, The Universe, Triniti

Surgery: December 3rd
Met with my podiatrist yesterday and set up surgery for Monday. I have to be there at 6am. The Cake Lady is totally kicking herself for offering to take me :P
He showed me my CT scans which I didn't ask for since they look EXACTLY like the x-rays (what was the point in that???)... but basically the bone is completely broken and not touching the other bone. There is at least a millimeter of distance between the severed bone peices (freaking metric system). There is a small chance that the bone will mend but it just isn't a gamble I'm willing to take.
Here's a question though (and don't laugh), do they take the screw out later? Or are you just setting off airline beeper systems for the rest of your life?
I feel like I don't even know my own body here. Yesterday when we unwrapped (and I am such a bad blogger for not bringing my camera but DAMN it is hard to carry shit) my foot, it was huge still. Huge people. And the colors... I couldn't believe it was still so swollen. My doctor said that my goal for the weekend should be to get the swelling down before Monday. When I asked him why it was so swollen he said that my body was sending three times as much blood to my foot to help fix it.
And then the whole drive home I was trying to figure out how that would cause it to swell.
Did it mean that my whole foot was full of blood just swishing around?
If I cut myself would blood just pour out?
Or is the tissue in my foot some how more full of blood then it was before?
What kind of tissue does one even have in their foot?
And how could it get bigger? Isn't tissue already at whatever size it can be?
If it stays like this will I end up with all this extra stretched out skin down there?
If there is more blood down there in my foot, is there blood missing from some other part of my body? Like my brain? Because my brain sure feels like it is missing some blood.
It's all so confusing!
And Google was of no help.
It kept on sending me articles that had nothing to do with what I wanted to know. It was all like, "Here's the thing Kate, you are using every day words and so I have to send you to every day answers... You're searching "swollen, foot, blood, break" - that is going to take you to a page about broken foot with swollen and blood being used as symptoms... were you to use technical words maybe I could send you to technical answers... then again, most people who actually know these technical terms don't even need to look them up. So... your stupid."
Hey, thanks Google.
I just don't understand it all. I fell like an alien in my body.
It was like that one time that The Therapist was trying to explain how anti-depressants worked. I think it took him like three hours before I understood it. And it was cool but I could never explain it to someone else.
I need a nap.

Labels: Being Retarded, My broken foot, my crazy life

Geez, the arms you have to twist to get the inside of your body pics!
I am working on the CT pics, I'll ask my podiatrist to email them to me tomorrow when I go in to look at them and set up my surgery.
Yup - surgery.
I know ya'll have been commenting and emailing about how evil surgery can be and maybe a year from now when I realize I can never wear high heels again (*gasp* the horror!) I will have to post a "You All Told Me So" post but as of right now, I am freakin' jazzed.
I need to walk.
And everything I've read says that I have a better chance of healing quicker with the surgery.
My Jones Fracture has been upgraded to an Avulsion/Jones Fracture.
And to the best of my knowledge means I've broken and torn stuff.
And the broken stuff is "displaced and rotated 5.6mm".

Labels: My broken foot, my crazy life

Well other than the whole not having to cook Thanksgiving dinner thing... The Cake Lady cooked everything without any help from me and while I barely help on years where I am fully able, I usually do the super easy stuff like mashing the potatoes or chopping up stuff and of course the super important job of standing around in the kitchen drinking and giving moral support.
This year though she totally did EVERY thing. Which was awesome because it was all so very yummy.
Anyway - speaking of food - the first positive aspect of my stupid Jones Fracture:
I have been so utterly and completely nauseaus for almost two weeks. I am sure to lose at least ten pounds from not being able to eat.

Labels: My broken foot, Thanksgiving, The Cake Lady

And then I called my podiatrist (I can't believe I even have a podiatrist) and he talked for about fifteen minutes in code saying things like "tendons" and "ligaments" and other words I don't know anything about. Then he said that they couldn't tell if something was twisted or not between my bone peices which are not touching and that is apparently bad.
So tomorrow my foot has an appointment at 12:30p to get a CT scan.
Can you believe that? I've surpassed regular old x-rays and now have to get a CT scan!
Dude - when I break shit? I break it good.
I am so asking them to email me the pics. I didn't this morning because I didn't think ya'll would want to see more xrays of the same broken bone but CT scan pics are bound to be more cool.

Labels: My broken foot

Here is the break: my Jones Fracture (otherwise known as The Suckiest Thing Ever.)


I was supposed to get my cast on Wednesday. It was going to be white because the stupid podiatrists in my stupid town don't have colored casts and apparently only orthopedic doctors do. But me, being one of those people who is always afraid of hurting someone's feelings, can't bail on my podiatrist now that he's seen my naked foot and his wife (also his receptionist) has "awwwww"ed over how hard it is for me to hobble around on crutches.
So white it is.
And I had reconciled myself to white.
But then my podiatrist unwraps my foot and lets it have some air after five days of being wrapped in some kind of sticky white tape (that was wet when it first went on but dried and itched like a bitch) and secluded in cotton and supported by my fiberglass splint.
Here is what it looked like before the wrapping came off:


Here it is all swollen and green and with sticky white tape residue all over it:


Yes, I know, there was a collective "eewwwwww". I heard it. It's ok, I forgive you.

But here's the kicker.
My doctor comments, "hmmm, Kate, it looks a little swollen still...."
And I mention that not only is it swollen but it hurts like a bitch (only I didn't say bitch because he's all old and I would have offended him and you should never offend a podiatrist methinks on account of who knows what they are capable of? They look at feet all day, there is certainly something brewing under the surface) and that every time I have to walk around or anything I get horribly nauseous.
And he says, "Well, have you bumped it on anything or have you stayed off of it like we discussed last week?
Normally this is where I would have looked at my feet but he is all there by my feet so there was no avoiding the question.
So I got into this whole bit about how I was such a good girl who stayed off of her feet the whole weekend. No really, like I only got up to pee! But I had to go to work on Monday and maybe I thought I was a little better at using the crutches than I actually am. Well - no I definitely thought that and boy was I wrong because I am like the worst crutches user ever. And I kinda thought I could go up stairs on crutches and in retrospect that was probably a little presumptuous for someone who is already balanced challenged but even more so for someone who has never used crutches before save a few trips to the potty and a demorhal laced walk down the emergency room hallway.
This is where he interrupts me, "So you went up the stairs on your crutches?"
And I explain that I tried and failed miserably and by 'failed miserably' I of course mean that I fell down. And landed right on the broken part of my foot.
This is the part where he stops wrapping my foot with... pre-cast material and thinks for a moment. Then he looks at me and says we will have to have another xray to see if (my stupid vanity) has broken the bone even more than I had already horribly broken it.
And I felt a new kind of guilt.
The I disappointed my podiatrist kind of guilt.
Monday morning I get new x-rays. I won't get them on cd which sucks ass but maybe I can convince my podiatrist to email them to me. I think that they found me to be charming when I brought the camera in and told them I needed pictures for my blog. Or crazy.

Labels: Being Retarded, I'm a loser, My broken foot, my crazy life

So far new cute guy at the office (who we have an irrationally large crush on) has said he is going to sign my cast either:
Have a nice trip! See you next fall!
or
Kate - you should really take a break!

Any other catchy things ya'll can think of?
And for those of you who would actually like to sign my cast but live too far away, send me a sticker or something and I will paste it on there ;) A little British flag from The Girl? Palm tree sticker from Liz? Or whatever your fancy is :)
Need my address? Shoot me an email.

Lets keep it family friendly though since the kiddos will be wanting to know what everything means :)

Labels: At work, My broken foot

I've gotten a ton of emails asking how in the hell I managed to break my stupid foot.
It's really not a great story... I was in a super hurry (as I almost always am) and I was wearing these CUTE shoes. I can't find a picture of them but they are kind of like platforms.. except not hooker shoes... They have about a 2.5 inch platform on the back and about a two inch platform on the front. The entire base of the shoe has gorgeous purple and green flowers on it and then the top had just a red leather knot across the toes and an ankle buckle. They match perfectly with my wide leg green slacks.
Anyway, I wear these about every two weeks and I've only ever almost fell in them once before.
So, I am in a super hurry picking Amanda up from advanced Art on Thursday. The reason I am in a super hurry? Yeah, I was TOTALLY flirting with the new guy and the time got away from me and before I knew it, I was ten minutes late leaving. This is a big deal because I was coming back to have dinner with Rico Suave, his girlfriend and another co-worker before we went to a seminar. And that was a big deal because we were going to Olive Garden and I fucking love Olive Garden.
So after I get Amanda and am walking out of the school, Trin's teacher stops me to talk for a few minutes which puts me even further behind schedule. I tell her I am in a super hurry and can we talk next week. She says sure and then I walk out the front doors and as if to emphasize that I am in a super hurry, I walk very quickly.
For about ten steps.Then I eat shit.
I rolled my left ankle and since my cute shoes had zero ankle support, I could correct it. And since I was walking very fast, I fell down very fast. And hard. Landing on the outside of my foot before propelling forward and scraping the top of my other foot. My phone landed fifteen to twenty feet away in (thankfully) the grass.
I immediately stood up because that is what you do when you fall down so you can lessen the amount of people who see you. Right next to me there was stone pillar and I leaned up against that and told Amanda (who looked like she had just seen a ghost, I would later learn that I had just eaten shit in front of the boy she has a crush on) to go grab my phone while I composed myself.
It took me all of about 2.3 seconds to realize that I had absolutely broken my foot.
The dead give away would me the protruding bump in my skin and the rapid swelling.
I had Amanda help me get to the car which I am so glad I parked right in front of the school instead of in the parking lot thirty feet away. And as soon as I was in the car, it took everything I had not to cry. Instead, I started making phone calls.
1. Co-worker to find out where I could go with our insurance.
2. The Cake Lady to meet me at the gas station since I was almost out of gas and couldn't get out of the car.
3. The daycare to let them know I was dropping Amanda off and not coming in and that I might have Fairy pick up the girls.
4. Noah to let him know what was going on and set up how we would get the girls home.
5. Snow since she had inadvertently been called in the midst of the accident and was wondering what the hell was going on.
6. Fairy to let her know what was going on.
After the calls I was parked in the parking lot of the Urgent Care place trying to decide if I could walk in or not. The answer would be: not. I took one step on my broken foot and all the tears I had so gallantly held in came out. So there I am crying from pain and frustration and standing next to my van trying to figure out how the hell I will get my ass in there. I decided to google their number on my phone but my hands were shaking so badly that I couldn't even type it into my phone when this lady walks out. I call her and ask her to please go inside and get someone for me which she thankfully does.
I am wheeled directly from the car to the x-ray room and then three x-rays later, to the patient room. Before I am even out of the wheelchair, the doctor is there telling me to lay on my stomach because it is broken. They wrap it, give me some crutches and a copy of my x-rays on cd and then a shot of demorhal in the ass and send me into the waiting room. The whole thing couldn't have taken more than an hour.
I am going in this afternoon for my cast.

Labels: Amanda, Being Retarded, I'm a loser, My broken foot, my crazy life, self loathing

1. Pain.
Obviously it will hurt right? It's a bone in your body and it is broken. But let me tell you, I've had three kids - three - and breaking that tiny bone in my foot effing hurts. It hurts so much that I have been nauseous for five straight days.

2. Crutches suck ass.
Maybe when you were a little kid you envied another kid in your class that broke his leg because he got to cruise around on crutches and had a cast that he got signed and got a ton of attention. Guess what? You envied wrong. There is nothing, I repeat: nothing cool about crutches. You've went from walking around on two feet to walking around on one foot and two sticks. They're bulky, loud, wobbly, difficult to steer and basically do not even begin to compensate for the leg you were previously using.

3. Your other leg will hurt.
You'd think that your other leg would gladly step up and assume the role of its counterpart with pride and dignity. However, your other leg will only begrudgingly do the broken leg's duties. It will whine and bitch the whole time about how it isn't fair that the other leg just gets to sit around all day doing nothing while it now has to carry twice the weight. It will voice these concerns in the form of cramping up and making you feel like you have no other choice but to sit down right where you are immediately which happens to be on a curb which then makes standing back up next to impossible.

4. You can't carry ANYTHING.
Not a glass of water, a cup of coffee, papers from the printer, dirty laundry, dishes, socks! Nothing. I would rather have broken my arm and been turned into a one handed typer. When you break your foot, you lose the other leg to extra work and both hands to crutches and it sucks ass. And even if you want to just tough it out, every time you stand up to do something everyone who sees you in the hall asks why you are up because "didn't your doctor say to stay off of your foot for another week?" and then you have to proclaim that you "just want to go to the goddamned bathroom" but thank them for asking. This will seriously affect the flirting you are trying to do with the new guy.

5. On account of #4, you have to ask people to do everything for you.
Initially you will probably need help changing your clothes. Need a glass of water? Guess what? Someone else has to get it. Hungry? Someone else will have to carry your food from one place to the other. Your co-workers will start joking about how if they come into your office to ask you a question, they will receive a "honey-do" list.

6. You have to invent new ways to get in and out of the shower.
If you are like me, this will involve a precarious balancing act on the side of the bathtub. This is when you start to consider how important it is to bath daily and how feasible hiring a stunt double would be.

7. You have to start using the handicap accessibilities.
And handicap ramps are LONG. I made the mistake yesterday of thinking I could just hop up the stairs, there are only six of them after all. I cannot hop up the stairs. In fact this caused me to fall on the broken part of my foot and nearly made me throw up. However, the little motorcarts at Wally World are pretty rad and I have went shopping twice since this accident and both times I have been able to race around the store honking at those who get in my way ;)

8. You will stop needing to pee in the middle of the night.
You will stop because there is no way in hell anyone should attempt to operate crutches unless they are at full working capacity. And the amount of time and effort that goes into crutching from the bed to the potty is enough to completely wake you up and render sleeping again nearly impossible. For that reason alone you will hold it for a few extra hours. For this same reason, you will lay in bed until you are fully awake before getting up in the morning. Crutches should only be operated by someone fully awake and alert.

9. Everything takes twice as long.
Everything. Double the times in which you think you will be able to accomplish anything because you will need twice the amount of time. Fifteen minute showers are now thirty. Getting dressed in three minutes? You'll need at least six. Walking from the car to your office used take thirty seconds, now it takes three minutes. It's ridiculous. Welcome to your lesson in patience.

10. People in public do not help you.
No one opens a door for you or gets out of your way. No one picks up your crutch if you drop it on the ground. No one will offer to carry something for you or take your cart back into the store. People just don't. And I was one of those people. I always thought it would be embarrassing for the person on crutches to have you come over and help them. And I'm sure that it is. But let me tell you, if you see someone on crutches today, open the door for them. It makes their day that much easier.

Labels: At work, Being a Chic, Being Mommy, Being Retarded, community, Health, I'm a loser, My broken foot, my crazy life, My pathetic excuse for a love life, self loathing, unsolicited advice

Today you turn eleven years old.
This is your first year as a "tween".
You become one year closer to being a teenager.
And most of the time this scares the hell out of me.
It scares me because I know that you are starting to separate from me and find out who you are.
You still come up and hug me for no reason and just this morning you ran back out to the car to give me a hug and kiss because you forgot, so I know that the sweet kid I love is still in there. But in the last few months I've been afraid that you and I are starting to drift apart and while I know it will happen, it sucks nonetheless.
But last week, all of my fears that I was going to lose you to this little pre-pubescent hellion were washed away.
Last week we had a mix up with the bus when you were in UIL so you had no idea about it. And even though your little sister was scared when she was (incorrectly) dropped off at home alone, she really handled the whole thing very well.
But when I got home, you ran over to me and hugged me and just sobbed. You were so upset that you hadn't been there, that you hadn't been able to protect her and take care of her and prevent this from ever happening. You were so upset that you offered to drop UIL.
On that day I was reminded that while you will have your snotty little moments where you will be trying to figure out who it is that you want to be, you will always be the sweet girl that is brought to tears when you can't protect those you love.
That is the little girl I raised and the little girl I am exceedingly proud of every single day.
Happy Birthday Amanda!

Love,
Mom

Labels: Amanda, Being Mommy, birthday, sisters

That would be my broken fifth metacarpal metatarsal (correction made ny nurse Tux, thanks!)...
Broken.
As in I will be in a fucking cast.
I wanted to write something all witty but the pain meds have taken away all my creativity.
I am taking Pity donations all week.

Labels: Being Retarded, I'm a loser, self loathing, The Universe, un-fucking-believable

"So Fairy & I were having this debate and she said I should ask your opinion since your a dude..."



"Ok..."



"Ok. So if a guy says that he likes your purple office and then someone else says 'isn't it cute?' & he looks you in the eye, like this, and says 'yes, it is very cute' and then walks off, does that mean he likes you?"



"No Kate, it means he likes your office. If he likes you he would say 'hey Kate, want to get together sometime?' You know what the problem is with you women? You OVER ANALYZE EVERYTHING!... oh and also, if he thinks your purple office is "cute" then he is probably gay."

Labels: At work, Being a Chic, Being Retarded, I'm a loser, mobile blogging, my crazy life, My pathetic excuse for a love life, Noah

Labels: Being Mommy, Christmas, Who do we love?

Last night I took Triniti to see beauty & the beast. I was a little worried that she wouldn't behave since she'd never been to a play before, but not only did she behave and enjoy herself - she also managed to stay awake until almost 11 to watch the whole thing!
When it was over & we walked out to the car, she asked if she could open her own door. I said sure and walked around the other side to get in. When she opened her door, she accidentally bumped the car next to her & their car alarm started going off. She scrambled up into the seat & slammed her door. I looked at her & asked if she was ok.
"Mamma, hurry up and go! I'm too young to go to jail!"


Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

parte uno , parte due , parte tre , parte quattro , parte cinque , parte sei , parte sette , parte otto , parte nove , parte dieci , parte undici , parte dodici , parte tredici , parte quattordici , parte quindici , parte sedici , parte dicisette

Watching him leave from his spot behind the tree across the road, he waited a few minutes before crossing the street to wait in her yard.
She took out her trash at the same time every night.
He loved standing in the shadows, mere feet from her, without her knowledge.
Where he could smell her.

Labels: 55 Friday

I am laying bed with Trin last night as she was "scared of the ghost" and she needed me to "hold her tight". After a few minutes "holding her tight" was changed to her laying on my arm. She was still for a few minutes and I thought she was asleep and considered getting up to go do one of the five million things I had thought about since I laid down with her.
But then she started moving around. It was pitch black in my room so I wasn't sure what she was doing but I knew if I asked her that we would get involved in another ten minute conversation about dodge ball or fairies or she would need to show me again that she can count to 100 just letmeshowyou!
I opted instead to just lay there and wait for her to stop wiggling around. Until I noticed that the type of wiggling she was doing was consistent with that of someone picking their nose.

"Triniti, are you picking your nose?"

*giggling*

"Oh Trin, that is gross. Why are you picking your nose?"

"Because there is a booger in there..." Duh.

"Well go get a tissue baby, digging in your nose is yucky."

"No, I already got it out."

"Eeww."

*more giggling* "I put it on the blanket..." *more giggling* "It's on your side..."

Labels: Being Mommy, family drama, my crazy life, Triniti

I have been having headaches.
A LOT of headaches.
It's ridiculous the amount of headaches I've been having.
Now, I can chalk a few of them up to sinuses since even the smallest pressure change wreaks havoc on my noggin. I'm talking a lone cloud cruises slowly over the state of Texas and my head throbs. A. Lone. Cloud.
Here's the thing though - I am not a big pill popper. I usually will give any ailment ample time to go away before I start to think about taking something for it. And I've noticed that I am taking a lot of pills (not like she needs an intervention a lot, but many). I have a selection in my office.
I've been thinking about going to the doctor and having them scan my head or something since I think I am having too many headaches. I mean, a headache every morning before eight? That can't be good.
So, I did what we all do when something is freaking us out a little - I googled it.
And the first thing that popped up was this.
Tension headaches.
"When a patient is examined by the physician, there are often findings of muscular tenderness. This is often present in the areas of the neck, at the base of the skull, shoulders, upper arms, and the jaw and face. Some people may show signs of clenching the teeth..."
Yup, yup, yup - I have ALL of that...
I read the whole thing and I'm fairly convinced that tension headaches are my problem.. so I finally reach the Treatment part...
"While this works for some people, others, whose tension headaches are severe enough or sufficiently frequent to compel them to seek professional treatment, obtain relief through a course of doctor-prescribed antidepressant or anxiety-reducing medications, such as amitriptyline, nortriptyline or desipramine..."
Great.
As I tend to stay away from mood altering meds, especially since I don't feel stressed out, I don't think I want to start taking anti-anxiety meds and I know I don't want anti-depressants...
So what do I do?
Is there some kind of herbal remedy for this? So kind of anti-stress natural pills or teas or foods or something?
I need help blogosphere since I can't keep having headaches everyday and I am starting to lose my mind...

Labels: At work, community, my crazy life

As we pull into the daycare he asks me if I want him to run in & grab the girls, I say "yes, please... But tomorrow you'll have to hide in the back of the van when we get here."

He pauses half way out his door and shoots me a puzzled look, "why in the world would I have to do that?"

"tomorrow is Wednesday. Hot tattooed dad picks up his kids on Wednesday."

"and?"

"and I can't have him see me with a boy, he'll think I'm not single."

He stares at me for two seconds before getting out of the car and closing the door. Then he says through the open window, "girls are so stupid."



He and I are both gaining far too much insight into each others gender specific worlds.





Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Today my construction boss was training a guy who is going to be doing the same job but in the Austin area. And little Training Boy? Holy fucking shit he was hot.
The Cake Lady saw him when she stopped by and said, "he is TOO good looking."
Amen sister.
I have no idea what his name was because when he introduced himself, my brain was all mushy and girly and playing soft slow music while creating scenes of the two of skipping down the beach holding hands minutes after our marriage ceremony.
*sigh*
But when he shook my hand (and probably because I was so dumb-struck by his amazing gorgeousness) he ended up embracing my entire hand, instead of just my four fingers. Does that make sense?
Anyway, I just found myself sitting here off in Fantasy Land thinking about how funny it would be to tell that story later on as a "The First Time I Met..." tale... with him sitting beside me, holding my hand (the right way), laughing right along about how nervous he was.
*sigh*

Labels: At work, Being a Chic, Being Retarded, Dating, I'm a loser, my crazy life, My pathetic excuse for a love life

This is the link to my dad's stuff on ebay.

parte uno , parte due , parte tre , parte quattro , parte cinque , parte sei , parte sette , parte otto , parte nove , parte dieci , parte undici , parte dodici , parte tredici , parte quattordici , parte quindici , parte sedici

After he walked her back to the cottage he found he wasn’t ready to go home yet, despite the hour.
He walked an extra block thinking about how amazing she was.
And how she’d agreed to lunch tomorrow.
He smiled to himself thinking about the two of them being together again.
Seeing her laugh again.

Labels: 55 Friday

parte uno , parte due , parte tre , parte quattro , parte cinque , parte sei , parte sette , parte otto , parte nove , parte dieci , parte undici , parte dodici , parte tredici , parte quattordici , parte quindici

As much as she wanted nothing to do with a man ever again, she hadn’t been able to help but be happy to see him when he’d walked over and sat down with her.
Two hours had passed in minutes.
Did she still possess the ability to believe he was different?
That any man was?

Labels: 55 Friday

Labels: 55 Friday

Labels: Halloween

If you are an older sibling then you can probably remember some time when you got saddled with your little brother or sister and you just felt like you were chained down - withheld from everything you wanted to do.
Sometimes, as a mother, you feel like that.
Sometimes you feel like you just want to get into your car and drive as far away as humanly possible as fast as your car will take you. You want to just leave behind everything and be free like you were when you were a carefree kid out playing with your friends with your little sister or brother safely at home with your mom and dad.
And on days like today, I can totally relate.
Days that start with two hour melt downs, where your emotionally exhausted by 7am when you drop your kids off at school.
Days where you spend the next eight hours feeling like the worst mother on earth.
Days where your boss's boss is there and you have the opportunity to be all awesome but all you can think about is googling new AS ideas in hopes that you can find something that will make your life just a little easier.
Days where you pick your kids up from daycare and school only to find that none of the bad attitudes from that morning have faded, in fact - they've grown into larger and more dangerous monsters.
Days where your daughter won't eat anything for dinner so when she picks up a Halloween cupcake and acts like she might eat it, you tell her to go ahead - only to see your almost eleven year old roll her eyes as she walks out of the kitchen mumbling something about how she always gets everything she wants. And your nerves are so raw that you attack her because you've got to unload on someone. And then your otehr daughter doesn't even eat the fucking cupcake.
Days where she doesn't want that apple juice in that cup because its the wrong color and she didn't actually see you pour the apple juice.
Days where you just can't even imagine surviving tomorrow if it is like today.
Those are the days when you want to drive far far far away and leave these people, these children behind and seek out that feeling of being unfettered.
But it isn't like when you left the sibling with your mother.
You ARE the mother.
Some days, even when you know its just a really bad day, being a mother sucks.

Labels: Being Mommy, family drama, my crazy life, self loathing